The Greatest Sales Pitch Ever

I’m tired of being nice to people. I want to start being a dick. Cuz then when people are shitty back to me they have a reason. Also there’s too much responsibility in being nice. Once you’ve been nice to people they expect you to do shit. Like say hello, or come to their birthday parties, or buy them a meal when they’re broke cuz you “don’t want to see them starve.” When you’re an asshole and you don’t go to someone’s birthday party, no prob, you’re just being consistent.

On my way to my show which used to be in the East Village, I witnessed the best sales pitch ever. I was being pitched. I was walking down East 13th St. while little kids played in the street with some sort of inflatable ball. I was texting or looking at the time or just not paying attention to my path. A kid yelled in the street so I turned to see the commotion. I realized again that there’s no difference in the scream of “I’m having a great time” and “I’ve just had my leg run over and broken by a Dodge Ram” to a child. When I turned back around I was in front of a woman sitting at a table with a stern face. I looked to the side and the sign said Psychic. She pointed at me and with an intense calm said the words “You.” That’s it. “You.” The first thought I had was “Oh man. She’s know some shit!” I almost talked to her but thought better of it and walked away.

There’s always a fear for me in going to psychics. I’m afraid the first thing they’ll say is “you masturbate a lot.”

And even if they don’t think that first, the whole time I’ll be trying to not think about them telling me I masturbate which of course will make me think about it harder until the word “Masturbate” is just repeating loudly in my head. The psychic will sense the word and say “Masturbate?” I will then throw over the table and scream “How dare you, sir?! HOW DARE YOU?” Which is weird because it’ll be a woman. She’ll say “Sir? I am no man! Ah! You’ve ruined my vase!” But of course she’ll have said it “vahz.” I’ll be like “vahz? vahz? It’s fucking vayss you ass!” She’ll say “No one insults Madame Beniot!” Suddenly I’ll be cursed by the shemale psychic and all because I succumbed to the greatest sales pitch I’ve ever known.

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