Subway of the World

Anyone that’s ever been to New York knows that there is a homeless problem. One of the most common places to see the homeless is on the subway. Once New Yorkers hear the phrase “scuse me ladies and gentlemen…” said in raspy drawn out manner, we know a show is about to start.

Cuz really, the homeless are as experienced as the many stars of Broadway. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts. Since they are essentially performers, I get a little Simon Cowell if I feel like a homeless beggar isn’t reaching their full potential. “That was the worst peformance I’ve ever seen. You expect me to feel sorry for you? The only thing I feel sorry about is the fact I will never get back the time you’ve just wasted.” And Paula is like “Simon, he’s homeless. Have some compassion!”

There’s this one guy I used to see on the 6 train who came into the car with NO LEGS and said nothing. He let the legs to the talking. I stood up and applauded, “Wow! Now that is the devotion needed to become the Homeless Idol! I stand because you can not!! Congratulations! You are going to Hollywood! And by Hollywood I mean you are going to eat today!”

Every now and then (and this is one of my favorite things to see) two beggars will enter from opposite ends of a subway car and suddenly come face to face. Something interesting always happens. One time I saw two homeless men start foaming at the mouth and growling at each other. Then they touched hands and began to melt into each other. They tried to pull away, but it was too late they were becoming one. Bigger, badder, and even smellier. There was a flash of lightning and out of nowhere I heard a voice say “SUPER BEGGARTRON!” They had transformed!! And it was perfect cuz right at that moment a guy came onto the subway car with a gun and was like “This is a stick up!! Give me all your money!!” Super Beggartron turned around and said “Laser Stream of Pee!” and a green urination shot forth and cut the bandit in half and his body evaporated! Then Super Beggartron flew up and out of the train like a ghost. And the New Yorkiest thing of all is that NO ONE ever looked up from their newpapers or acknowledged that something happened outside of their iPods!! Well, I saw you Super Beggartron and on behalf of the people on the W train that day…thanks.

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