A few weeks ago, there were headlines (at least there were online – I don’t trust things written on paper) that read “King Tut Mystery Solved.” The following is a conversation between Leo Goodman and myself.
BARON: Finally they figured this out!
LEO: Thank God. I’ve been in stitches waiting to hear what the outcome was. I mean its been what? A few centuries? That’s a lot of magazines in the waiting room if you know what I mean.
BARON: Really though. They talk about it with this urgency like they are out of breath or something “Hey guys! We figured it out. He wasn’t murdered!”
LEO: What’s it say?
BARON: It says that the “myth” of Tut dying from a blow to the head is false because there was no evidence of trauma. Although they found that one of his legs was broken and may have become infected which caused him to die.
LEO: Couldn’t somebody have broken his leg?
BARON: That’s what I’m saying!
LEO: I mean there are other ways to kill a person besides a blow to the head. Or so my mother would say when she tucked me in at night!
BARON: Oh, Leo! (sitcom moment)
So they just dug up his body and did tests? What about the curse?
LEO: Maybe someone made up the curse because they didn’t want people to know how he died.
BARON: If it took them all this time to find out about Tut, that means we’ll never find out about Tupac and Biggie. There’s no hope.
LEO: Maybe they are related.
BARON: Yeah. Maybe that’s all part of the curse.
LEO: Maybe people killed Tupac because they found out he was related to Tut.
BARON: Maybe some people who hate rap went back in time.
LEO: Maybe some country bumpkins invented a time machine.
BARON: Maybe they tried to hit Tut in the head but he was getting away so they threw a boomerang at his leg.
LEO: How’d they get a boomerang?
BARON: If they can have a time machine, they can have boomerangs.
LEO: Bumpkins are a resourceful people.
BARON: So they come back to the future and…
LEO: It didn’t work. Tupac still existed. So they had to take matters into their own hands.
BARON: They kill Biggie to make it look like a conspiracy. Which it was: just not the one people think.
LEO: Yeah because they already killed Nefertiti in their time journeys because they found out she was an ancestor of Biggie Smalls, but that didn’t work.
BARON: So they kill them both, but then they find out someone overheard their plans and went back in time and somehow fixed the damage they did. Which is why things were the same when they came back to the present.
LEO: So then the bumpkins face off in a battlefield called Time against a rogue bandit who stops their evil plans.
BARON: And that man is…
LEO: Suge Knight.
BARON: Oh my God. Call Miramax.