Just Enough for the City

I hate moving.

Nobody really likes it and anyone who does has serious emotional problems that they should look into. No seriously. They should open the door to their feelings, look around and say “Wow, I gotta lotta baggage in here.”

I went over to my new old apartment and packed up some stuff and helped the new guy Erik put together his bed. Putting together a bed is one of the most rewarding things you can do. After all the frustration and irritation you can then take a well deserved nap. “Finally got that damn thing put together. I’m tired now….hey, a bed.”

While we were putting it together we had to use an Allen Wrench aka Allen Key and Hex Key. Erik and I found it quite funny these things even exist and he jokingly asked who the hell came up with this idea in the first place. A guy named Allen of course. However, I did want to find some real evidence so I Googled it and went to the Library of Congress and did some research. What I found out may be shocking and disturbing….

Once upon a time in a land called Fixitwithtoolsia, there was a village called Assembleityourselfville. It was ruled by a gentle peaceful man named Freddie Flathead who supplied his citizens with a generous amount of screws and screwdrivers. The townspeople liked the ease of using Flathead products and found it so gentle and peaceful when assembling some sort of bed and/or bookcase of which there were many in this particular place. Everyone in the village loved Flathead and referred to him with such gentle and peaceful words like “gentle” and “peaceful.”

One day an evil warlord named Phineas Phillips saw this domain and did not like that it was gentle and peaceful. He wanted people to use his products so that he could rule over Assembleityourselfville with an iron hand. So one night, while the village rested, he snuck into Flathead’s shop and changed all the screws. They now had a cross on them. Flathead awoke and sent his shipment as usual oblivious to the fact that his screws were screwed. After a while, he began getting phone calls about how people were supposed to use these screws, but Phillips had all calls fowarded to his phone and he told people to see him and he would give them Phillips head screwdrivers. Thus Phillips took over the town.

After years of evil rule, a wizard named Allen the Argonaut rode into town. He saw the misery on the faces of the people of Assembleityourselfville and was very surprised. This was not the behavior that Frommer’s said these people would have. The guide described them as “gentle” and “peaceful” and as “having one of the hottest nude beaches in Fixitwithtoolsia.” Allen the Argonaut had been to many nude beaches and new that if the natives were this miserable, it would be unlikely that people were going to the beach. Especially 19 year old girls. He went to the beach and he was right: empty. Not a nubile body in sight. Something had to be done.

Allen quickly realized that there was a connection between the misery of the people and the tools they used. If he was ever going to have fun, he new he had to get rid of Phillips. After consulting the Oracle, he tracked down Freddie Flathead who was now living on the outskirts of the city as a hermit. He was hurt and confused to how the people of the town could be so easily influenced by Phillips. Allen understood that the screws had to be changed to restore order. Phillips had the screws heavily guarded day and night knowing that someone could easily do to him what he had done to Flathead, but Allen was a wizard. This meant that his powers could only be used for good and there is no greater deed than reviving a nude beach.

Allen teleported into the warehouse and put a hex on the screws. The shipment went out and in each sack of screws was a key from Allen. Instantly, the town began to feel better. The nude beach was full and all were happy. Phillips’ stranglehold was becoming looser and he wasn’t going to go out without a fight. He found Allen one day in the middle of town and the men began to battle. It was a fierce match up. Phillips would give a one two. Allen a three four. Phillips a 411. Allen a 227. Phillips a 666. Allen an 867-5309. Then out of nowhere Flathead jumped into the fight and the 3 men battled so voraciously that a tornado formed and spit the 3 men into places far far away. The Tornado ripped through the town mixing up bags of all 3 kinds of screws. It disappated when it got to the beach for there were nude 19 year old girls present. The heavens swallowed up the twister for the Gods knew these bodies must be enjoyed not destroyed.

Assembleityourselfville now had all different kinds of screws. When the villagers wanted to put something together, they never knew if they were going to need a Flathead, a Phillips head or and Allen Key. And it has been that way ever since.

THE END…..No really, its true. Google it.

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