its amazing how’ll much i’ll do to not do

It really is. I’ve been avoiding writing for the last 4 days. I wake up every morning thinking to myself “I gotta write!” Then I make up ways to avoid doing something that I love for something I love. Interesting. They say “the hardest part of writing is beginning.” They also say “it takes more energy to not do your homework than it does to do it.” And course they said “why ask why? Try Bud Dry.”

I’m happy to be writing this. Its been hard because I’ve got “From a Distance” by Bette Midler and “Idiot Boyfriend” by Jimmy Fallon stuck on loop in my head. One of those songs on their own has enough power to cripple a Yeti (http://www NULL.wizards NULL.jpg), so you can imagine how I feel.

The other night I had one of the strangest IM conversations I’ve ever had. (IM has been a contributor to me not writing) I thought it was an old high school friend of mine named Sarah. I quickly learned it was not and then proceeded to have some sort of psuedo cyber sex thing. I don’t know who this is. I don’t even know if it was a guy or girl. Well, read on…

ME: hello?

HER: hello?

ME: wow you actually wrote back. usually i get your away message – “fuck you, baron”

HER: this actually isnt sarah

ME: oh. well this is now awkward

HER: she was signed on on my computer

ME: ah. hope i didn’t offend with my profanity. i’m very vulgar, you dont even know!

HER: its all good

ME: coo. you black?

HER: no

ME: haha, sorry. i got excited for a split second. ok i’ll leave you alone

HER: lol. sorry to dissapoint

ME: its ok. we can’t all be perfect

HER: im white and blond. but I guess im not your type now. well i love black stallions

ME: haha

HER: and dont tell my mom :-)

ME: i’m a stallion now. i like this

HER: i gotta say I’m picky about men. they have to be able to take it a little rough. so you better be able to back up the stallion

ME: well it depends what you mean by stallion

HER: as in hung like a

ME: hmm. well…

HER: taking a long time to think about it eh. not a good sign
(yeah people with big dicks don’t think. they just blurt shit out as fast as they can -BV)

ME: i don’t have much experience with other penises. but i’ve been told I’m a stallion. i say that because to be is to be perceived

HER: your mom doesnt count

ME: hey OOOHH (Ed McMahon).you’re funny

HER: i try

ME: i’m hilarious, but you’re funny

HER: not all blonds are dumb :-)

ME: never said they were (sure, they all have online chats with strange men -BV)

HER: well lets see how clever you are…can you describe yourself in a way that turns me on

ME: go ahead

HER: but only using food terms

ME: well girl (I don’t even hesitate -BV)

HER: terms that have to do with food, its preperation, or its consumption

ME: i don’t exactly know how you expect to to “produce” what you need, but seriously, if your oven is ready i got something for it

HER: i know it sounds cooky, BUT a really slick guy can do it

ME: make sure you preset it. it needs to be hot

HER: 3/10 so far (what is that? a score or the number of references i must make? -BV)

ME: of course I’ll use a mitten. i’m always protected. but yeah you know i just wanna spread butter on you sheet girl

HER: im not good at it

ME: grease it up nice like

HER: ok now im a little too excited

ME: cause we cooking with gas. with all burners. you know, i just gotta sautee with your sauce, but don’t worry

HER: theres something about the thought of a marble statue and food that makes me really turned on. (Yeah, put an apron on Michaelangelo’s David and she will cream herself -BV) im too excited i need to calm down. good night

ME: my souffle won’t fall


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