I Wish…

I wish I had something to say.

I do realize this: I need more material that starts with “I was walking down the street…”

This is the only way I want to be seen by the public – as a man on the go! No more jokes that start with “I was sitting” or “As I lay in bed last morning” or “I was relaxing in the bubble bath the other day when” NO MORE! No more weaving images of myself as a dashing young negro who never uses his legs for he is too busy soaking them. That’s exactly what we need less of! We need less of these negative stereotypical generalizations of black people always “getting a back rub” or “luxuriating at a day spa” or “receiving a pore cleansing mudbath and seawed wrap” BASTARDS!

I was walking down the street the other day with a friend of mine. It was late, like 1:30 in the morning. I was walking her to her apartment in the west 30s when a woman approached us. I had noticed this woman seemed to be frantically searching for something. She came over to us and in her accent she asked “Have you seen this man over there?” and pointed toward 8th Ave. Notice how specific she was. Not “have you seen this man?” but “have you seen this man over there?” She’d showed the picture and there was a surprised looking white man (she was black) with round rimmed glasses and what appeared to be a chicken on his head. A chicken. Just sitting there. On his head.

I said “Have we seen him over there?” I pointed to 8th.

“Yes,” said she.

“Nope.”

This is the best part. After I said no, she looked me up and down with the utmost disgust and searched my eyes to see if I was lying! Not even a quick scan. A good long stare! She could not believe I hadn’t seen him and then left us. TRUST ME. I DIDN’T SEE HIM. EVEN THOUGH THIS IS NEW YORK, I WOULD’VE REMEMBERED A GUY WEARING A CHICKEN ON HIS HEAD.

Maybe its because I specified 8th Ave. Maybe she knew I had seen him somewhere, but not where she suggested. Maybe she saw my not so subtle wink to my friend who knew we saw him on 6th Ave, not 8th. 6th Ave! Haha, we fooled her with a technicality! Another life ruined by my lies! Now to soak my feet!

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