I just finished watching the Godfather Part 2, and I hate to be that guy, but they don’t make ‘em like that anymore. It’s interesting being an actor these days. Interesting the path I’m on, whatever path that it is I’m on (I talk about being on a “path” so it’s the path of an asshole). Something I’ve said about being on this TV show is that it is really nice to have people that listen to my ideas and opinions. “Ah yes,” I remind myself, “we’re collaborating on a character that I’m creating.” It’s very easy to forget how to act when one spends so much time auditioning. They aren’t the same. People who audition well are sometimes awful actors, and people who are great actors sometimes just don’t audition well.

Those are my random thoughts for this midnight post. Next post will be about an interesting idea that’s been on my mind and is worth discussion and debate: the difference between snark and satire. In general, people who are satirists know the difference; people who are snarky do not.

I’m in Canada. Yeah, THAT Canada. I’ve been to the others and let me tell you those Canadas just aren’t Canadian enough. Stick with the one true Canada. It’s Canada.

If you can’t tell by that last paragraph, I’ve been very isolated. Mainly because I live alone. That, and I don’t know anyone is Vancouver. Sure, I know the cast and crew of my show, but the crew are locals and after a 14 to 15 hour day, do you wanna hang out with someone from work? No, you wanna go home to your actual friends and family. And the cast? All married. They don’t wanna see me. Either they go back to LA to spend time with their spouse, or their spouse is here visiting. And if neither of those things are happening, married people hang out with other married people – to talk about being married.

Maybe I’m projecting.

Luckily, being isolated leaves me plenty of time to dwell on these things instead of going out and meeting people. What am I talking about? I don’t know how to meet people. Everyone I know was discovered in forced situations like school, work, stand up shows. You’re forced to be around people and gravitate toward people you like at some point. At least that’s how I do it. I believe everyone gets to the age where you no longer make friends, you just lose them. Unless, you’re fortunate enough to have myriad forced situations.

Canadian news is on. Drownings on one channel, stabbing on one, and a shooting on the other. Ah, Feels like home.

“Fucking Roanoke sucks man.”
“What part did you go to?”
“No part. Just the airport. Had a layover.”
“Fuck you.”

You can’t do that! I know what you’re thinking, “Roanoke DOES suck,” but that is beside the point!
*SIDENOTE: the places I’ve been to in the Roanoke area, do not suck. Blue ridge foothills: pretty amazing.

My point is my body has turned on me. Not that I think I’m old, but I am at the point where all the awful eating habits I have are really beginning to take a toll. I noticed it last year while having the fortune to shoot a TV pilot in LA. I was chilling at the table with all the free food just imbibing Coke at every moment. My “child” brain gets excited about things like this. “Free Soda! This can’t be true!” It’s the same kind of mind trick that made me have 6 boxes of sugary cereal at any moment during my junior year of college (Cocoa Puffs, Cocoa Pebbles, Fruity Pebbles, Apple Jacks, Waffle Crisps, I have a problem).

Whilst downing my 3rd or 4th beverage that day, I started to feel something very unfamiliar. I just felt big. Like my stomach and sides were just jutting out. I had the thought “I feel fat” for the first time ever. I began describing it to another cast member while in the middle of soft drink.

“Oh, you’re just bloated.”
I’m what?
“Bloated. You feel bloated. Drink some water and when you go to the bathroom you’ll feel better.”

He was right. I drank some water and laid off the Coke. The damage had been done, however, because I KNEW WHAT THE FUCK BLOATED WAS. It’s awful. Women have been feeling this way monthly since they were 12?! Wow, I apologize for everything. I now get where you’re coming from because when I feel that way, it just makes me want to soak my feet and watch Grey’s Anatomy – two things I’ve never done.

I’m also lactose intolerant. I’m sorry – I have lactose malabsorbtion. I’ve recently been told THAT is the correct term…because lactose needs political correctness. Although, I guess it’s true that your body has a problem absorbing enzymes, rather then standing outside a lactose church with torches yelling, “Go back to Lacfrica!”

If you don’t know what it means to be lactose intolerant, let me give you an insiders insight. It means I no longer recognize the smell of my own farts. All my farts are a symptom of my body’s confusion. That’s right, ladies, let’s eat some cheese and spend the night!

Not that I had one fart when my digestion still worked, but I had maybe 5 farts: 5 “go-to” farts. Sure each had their own personality, but they were like a boy band in that they have different styles, but it was still the same group.

FART: That’s the sensitive one.
FART: That’s the bad boy.
FART: That one…seriously needs to come out of the closest already.

Now, every fart is a mystery. Like I said it’s a product of my body’s confusion. It’s like dairy is Calculus and my small intestine is someone who is bad at math. My gas is the equivalent of that bad-matician looking at an equation. Just – “Wow, uh, um, gee, pssh, yeah uh, ffft, guh, ugh, yeah, uh, wow, I don’t know, I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW!”

Thus my flatulences (that a word?) are unique snowflakes that you DO NOT wanna catch on your tongue. Just nasty and disgusting.

However, if I don’t eat dairy, none of this happens…LADIES?!

*(note: took  me over 2 weeks to finish this post.)

I just spent the last 3 months living with a cat. I mean, I was living with a roommate that HAD a cat. It wasn’t the cat’s place. That’d be weird. Him showing me around…

CAT (really nonchalant and fratty): Yeah, so this is the bathroom. It’s standard. Shower, sink, covered in litter, you know how it goes. This is your room: 10 by 12. And this is the living room: A NEVER ENDING MAZE OF SCRATCHING POSTS.

I now understand cat ladies better. Since I work at night, I spent a lot of time alone at home with the cat and I realized that if you spend a lot of time alone with an animal, you WILL talk to that animal like it’s another person. At first, it’s a joke. You make eye contact and say, “what are YOU looking at Mr. Funnybottoms?!” And you catch yourself, “He can’t speak English, or other languages.” Then one day you’re watching the news and it seems the cat is too. You say, “What do YOU think about the Public Option.” The cat gives you a look that make you think you need to ask a follow up question.

That’s when you find out the cat is on the opposite end of the political spectrum. He’s REALLY conservative. So ya need to balance it out. You go to the pet store looking for another cat. One says, “I’m a liberal.” So you take him home thinking you can get some other ideas on the floor. Turns out you misheard that cat, he’s a libertarian. Not gonna work. So you go back to the store to get a left leaning centrist that’ll hopefully bring some peace to this ragtag political process. Then you get another cat: he’s a Whig. And another: he’s a Torry. Next thing you know you are surround by cats. You are running Cat-gress. You’re the speaker of the house of house-cats.

This is where you cease being able to communicate with people. You’ve spent all your time debating with cats, making plans for the future with cats, developing alternative energy sources with cats, getting and giving romantic advice to cats. Their world has been reversed. Have you ever seen the look in a cat ladies eyes when a human says something to them? Utter confusion. Know why? Cuz when a person talks to them, all they hear is a series of meows and hisses.

In days of yore, the mid 20s WAS old. People didn’t live that much longer than that. So that was middle aged in the middle ages. Sure, people married at 13 (mostly arranged) and had babies by 15, but you might not make it to 16, so you had to keep the line going! Now, however life expectancy is WAY up. And the mid 20s isn’t halfway at all. So I choose the optimistic view…people feel older at a younger age thus feeling old for the majority of your life. You feel old, than you feel older, than you are decrepit, than everything thinks you shuold be dead, than they pull the plug. Well, you know what they say, all the world’s a stage!

Colleges shows have gone two ways for me. Either they’re great shows, or they’re weird shows. The majority of students at my shows are freshman. Some sophomores come, a few juniors, rarely seniors. Thing is, most 18 year olds in this country haven’t seen live anything. They might have seen a play. Most likely, they’ve been to a concert, but it was someone they know and love, not a strange band they know nothing about. So when I come to campus, its the first live comedy show they’ve seen (and if I play my cards right, the only one). They’ve seen comedy on TV, but never in front of their face which is very different. I can see you. I can hear you.

So the good shows happen because these kids are excited to see a show and happy to be there. That’s interesting to me because there’s a stigma about what it means to be a college comedian. “The audiences are so easy,” some comedians will say. I think its because we’re so used to performing for people who hate existence in dingy backroom or expensive comedy clubs. When we have an audience that’s full of hope and potential, it throws us off.

Now I’ve never had a bad college show, only weird. Sometimes because of the fact that these kids haven’t seen live comedy, they don’t know how to be an audience. They might be used to laughing silently alone to a youtube clip. they might have strong preconceptions of what stand up is supposed to be thanks to youtube or TV. They just might know that you’re SUPPOSED to respond with laughter. Of course, they might just not find me funny. That’s another thing. The audience might have a scattered response. The ones not laughing always influence the ones laughing. People don’t want to be the only one laughing so they opt out of responding at all. Or they might not care they’re the only one laughing and everyone around them hates them. Or people leave and the audience becomes smaller and more self aware. Its a crap shoot, but them the breaks.

So far I’ve had good show at Hood College and App State. Doing a school OK and IL this week. I’m back a blogging. Someone read this.

yup. that’s right. my cab driver the other day was a ghost. I literally did a Laurel and Hardy double take when I saw his name. I was like “wait a minute, Didn’t he get shot shot shot up?”

then for a split second i was like “whoa he survived that and is now a cab driver.”

I was saddened about how that story must have moved along. Man gets racially profiled by police who thought he was up to no good because he just happened to be outside. He freaks out cuz he’s like “why are they watching me?” They chase him down an alley way and when he takes out his wallet to maybe show them an ID or something, the adrenaline filled cops think its a gun and shoot him 50 times (the account in the book Blink is an interesting angle). Cut to 8 years later and the dude is a cab driver.

I texted a bunch of people. Reactions ranged from “Take a picture with him!” to “who?” I got online to find out. The man i was thinking of was, in fact, killed. Then i was disappointed with my faulty knowledge and even more disappointed with the people that said “who?” Guess that name is much more common than i thought.

that’s why i’m so happy there are so many dumb people to talk about all the time. that way i don’t ever have to express a geniune emotion or original thought that I have. you can understand who I am by what i have to say about Angelina Jolie. She’s hot. See? Now you know a lot about me. Maybe even too much. That’s why i’m always gonna be awkward around you and like construct this persona that never let’s you in. cuz i’ve been hurt in the past. never again.

jeez. saying how i really feel about something is just SO EXHAUSTING. thank god i can be ironic. and thank god i’ll deliver it in the same monotone voice that i always communicate with. that way no one can ever say what they think i believe or don’t believe. so i can never be pegged for this or that. totally. i can have an identityless identity. awesome.

i mean caring is so BLAH. see? that’s all the description it deserves. hating everything makes the world so much easier to deal with. you’re dumb. he’s stupid. and its such a burden that i’m the only one who sees it. if anyone ever tries to talk to me about anything. i’ll just say WHATEVER and leave. then i don’t have to be responsible for anything. awesome.

Sine i’m starting with nothing, it somehow allows me to just make statements. things i wish were true about me or the world around me. Let’s explore this process.

I got nothing. Nothing. Nothing. A teacher once said to me “I think you’re afraid to look inside because you’re afraid nothing is there.” Of course this statement exploded my 19 or 20 year old head. Now i think its the opposite. I’m afraid to open up cuz i know its so much in there.

It seems to be the situation in New York. It can be very hard to stay sane and balanced with the overwhelming energy of this city. There’s a lot of tunnel vision going on around me. Especially when i feel like i’m trying to get people to care about coming to a live show. There’s so much to do here that there’s nothing to do here. People have to block out all the options. You have to have that tunnel. “No thanks…I Tivo’d Desperate Housewives.” Its very hard to get people to do something outside their own routine. So the days become the same.

What i love about new york is that its a city fll of people that mostly feel lonely. The biggest city in the most powerful country in the world and not a lot of people know each other. I’m always amazed at mysel in that respect. I try to keep contact with friends. But i get stressed about spending my free time doing something that i usually decide to just sit and stare or sleep. I live in the same city, in some cases the same neighborhood as people i care about, and still it take me months to return phone calls. Pitiful.

Its one of the only citys where friendships start to become burdens. That attitude of “aw man I really need to call so and so but i’m afraid they’ll be angry with me because of my lack of contact so i’ll put it off until later.” On and on until connection is lost.

SIDETRACKED
Just heard one of my favorite bands’ music in a Reese’s commercial.
Chromeo “Needy Girl”
Part of me feels like the song has been cheapened since its in a commercial. The other part is happy that they’re getting some money so they can keep doing music and touring. I’ve been in commercials myself, who am I to judge?