Cat Variation

Welcome to my blog! I’m saying that to myself really because I haven’t written a blog since 2007. Blogs kinda ARE 2007, but I don’t give a poop! I’m writing one. They keep me writing and on my feet, son!

I just spent the last 3 months living with a cat. I mean, I was living with a roommate that HAD a cat. It wasn’t the cat’s place. That’d be weird. Him showing me around…

CAT (really nonchalant and fratty): Yeah, so this is the bathroom. It’s standard. Shower, sink, covered in litter, you know how it goes. This is your room: 10 by 12. And this is the living room: A NEVER ENDING MAZE OF SCRATCHING POSTS.

I now understand cat ladies better. Since I work at night, I spent a lot of time alone at home with the cat and I realized that if you spend a lot of time alone with an animal, you WILL talk to that animal like it’s another person. At first, it’s a joke. You make eye contact and say, “what are YOU looking at Mr. Funnybottoms?!” And you catch yourself, “He can’t speak English, or other languages.” Then one day you’re watching the news and it seems the cat is too. You say, “What do YOU think about the Public Option.” The cat gives you a look that make you think you need to ask a follow up question.

That’s when you find out the cat is on the opposite end of the political spectrum. He’s REALLY conservative. So ya need to balance it out. You go to the pet store looking for another cat. One says, “I’m a liberal.” So you take him home thinking you can get some other ideas on the floor. Turns out you misheard that cat, he’s a libertarian. Not gonna work. So you go back to the store to get a left leaning centrist that’ll hopefully bring some peace to this ragtag political process. Then you get another cat: he’s a Whig. And another: he’s a Torry. Next thing you know you are surround by cats. You are running Cat-gress. You’re the speaker of the house of house-cats.

This is where you cease being able to communicate with people. You’ve spent all your time debating with cats, making plans for the future with cats, developing alternative energy sources with cats, getting and giving romantic advice to cats. Their world has been reversed. Have you ever seen the look in a cat ladies eyes when a human says something to them? Utter confusion. Know why? Cuz when a person talks to them, all they hear is a series of meows and hisses.

3 Responses to “Cat Variation”

  1. Brandi Ford says:

    Love the new site! But I must say, I’m a dog lover myself.

  2. Krystal J. says:

    As a potential cat lady, it’s good to get an understanding of where my relationship with cats is headed.

  3. David says:

    Hey, I heard this on my local comedy radio station(103.1 Denver), and I wanted to share it with a friend of mine, do you happen to know where I could get an audio clip of this?

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