Archive for November, 2012

I’m Ordained.

Friday, November 16th, 2012

…so everything I say is doctrine.

I recently conducted a wedding for one of my closest friends and was asked to write up a wedding ceremony that was very “me.” Below is such a ceremony. I removed their names because…well because that would be annoying for their Google Alerts when the popularity of this post EXPLODES THE INTERNET.

….

BARON (Opening):

I’d like to begin with a quote that perfectly sums up todays events…
“Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam…” (-Princess Bride)

Friends and Family, Mothers and Fathers, Brothers and Sisters, Aunts, Uncles, Nieces, Nephews, and all kinds of Cousins welcome! And thank you for traveling to be with us today from however far you were physically or psychologically. You are here because you are loved and we love that you are here.
And WHY are we here? Well…

We are gathered here today to join Female Name and Male Name in matrimony, and to bear witness to these betrothed as they change their Facebook statuses to “Totes Married.”

Marriage has come a long way in the history of the world.¬†We’ve gone from “The Elders have chosen a wife for you”
to
“How can we stop this war with France? (snaps fingers) I’ve got it!”
to
“We met in grad school, hit it off, agreed on the big stuff, and fell in love” #ThisWedding

We’ve all seen a marriage or two. Some of us have BEEN in a marriage or two. Regardless, of our personal experiences, I think we can all agree that what these two people are doing before us of today is INSANE. It’s NUTS. It’s out there. It’s pretty out there. And isn’t that GREAT?! We all hope to find the kind of insanity these two right here have found. The insanity to trust. The craziness to share. And the “out there-ness” of creating a partnership. It’s a beautiful insanity. This is why we’re all helping them get committed. In the words of Rhodes Scholar, Gwen Stefani “This [expletive deleted] is Bananas – B-A-N-A-N-A-S.”

(There was a reading here about togetherness. Then I continued…)

BARON (Love Cliff):
(singing): “What is love?” (-Haddaway)
Love is a hard thing to define, and yes, that’s an understatement. It seems that one always ends up with a contradiction wrapped in a rambling metaphor. Excuse me while I ramble a metaphor.

When a person describes Love it’s essentially the same as climbing to the top of a cliff and looking over the edge. All you can do is say what you THINK you’ll feel, what you hope it to be, what you expect to happen. You may be right and you may be wrong in your observations, but you can only know once you jump. And THEN with all the language at your disposal, you can only come up with “falling.” This is because the event is within itself the event. Love is an event. It’s a precise unknown. These two youngsters have gone up on that cliff, and today, hand in hand, will take a leap.

(Yes, I know that was more of a simile. There was another reading here. A poem that started with lots of languages about hands. Then I continued…)

BARON (Intentions):
(This was replaced with something more traditional. I put my original intentions back in. They’re silly but I thought they were real at the core.)

Male Name will you answer the questions that follow this question?
Are you totally into her?
Do you swear to cherish her hot mind just as much as her hot bod?
Do you swear to listen to and really consider what she says when she calls you on your BS?
Do you swear to be considerate and respectful when you call her on her BS?
Do you swear to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, in sickness in health to the best of your known abilities til death do you part?
If you decide to stick around her after your own death, do you swear to be a really chill ghost?

Female Name will you answer the questions that follow this question?
Are you totally into him?
Do you swear to cherish his hot mind just as much as his hot bod?
Do you swear to listen to and really consider what he says when he calls you on your BS?
Do you swear to be considerate and respectful when you call him on his BS?
Do you swear to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, in sickness in health to the best of your known abilities til death do you part?
And you’ll also be a really cool really laid back ghost too right?

Now these two wordsmiths would like exchange vows that they have written. I know, you’re all thinking that I’m a hard act to follow, but again let’s show some support and give them a chance. It will not be easy, but we did come all this way. So please, vow it up.

(Personalized Vows followed by another reading.)

BARON (The Rings):
And now we’ve come to the “Exchange of the Rings” also known as “The Last Part.”
The rings please.
The ring has no beginning and it has no end, it symbolizes two lives joined in one unbroken circle. Place it on a finger of your partner. Actually, the ring finger would be the perfect finger to pick right now.
Repeat after me: with this ring, I thee wed.

LOVERS’ REPLY: With this ring, I thee wed.

BARON: Seriously though. I’m totally marrying you right now.

LOVERS’ REPLY: Seriously though. I’m totally marrying you right now.

BARON: By the power vested in me and the power vested in always wanting to say that, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife. SO MAKE OUT ALREADY!