Archive for 2007

Ghost Driver

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

(http://4 NULL.bp NULL.blogspot NULL.com/_ojyahdSAHtg/RrEJcVBrzAI/AAAAAAAAAAs/JkhrNHZDcSM/s1600-h/img443 NULL.jpg)Can you see what the name is?
Look closer.
A-M-A-D-O-U D-I-A-L-L-O

yup. that’s right. my cab driver the other day was a ghost. I literally did a Laurel and Hardy double take when I saw his name. I was like “wait a minute, Didn’t he get shot shot shot up?”

then for a split second i was like “whoa he survived that and is now a cab driver.”

I was saddened about how that story must have moved along. Man gets racially profiled by police who thought he was up to no good because he just happened to be outside. He freaks out cuz he’s like “why are they watching me?” They chase him down an alley way and when he takes out his wallet to maybe show them an ID or something, the adrenaline filled cops think its a gun and shoot him 50 times (the account in the book Blink is an interesting angle). Cut to 8 years later and the dude is a cab driver.

I texted a bunch of people. Reactions ranged from “Take a picture with him!” to “who?” I got online to find out. The man i was thinking of was, in fact, killed. Then i was disappointed with my faulty knowledge and even more disappointed with the people that said “who?” Guess that name is much more common than i thought.

Snarky about being snarky. Sarcastic about being sarcastic.

Tuesday, July 17th, 2007

Guys isn’t it SO GREAT that we’ve become a culture that doesn’t know how to not be sarcastic all the time? Isn’t it SO GREAT that we choose to comment a little more than experience things? Cuz experiencing something means i have to like use all these senses i was given and that’s just like so exhausting. i mean that why i listen to my iPod everywhere i go so i don’t have to hear anything i don’t like. that’s why i wear my sunglass so i don’t have to see anything i don’t like. or at least it dulls it.

that’s why i’m so happy there are so many dumb people to talk about all the time. that way i don’t ever have to express a geniune emotion or original thought that I have. you can understand who I am by what i have to say about Angelina Jolie. She’s hot. See? Now you know a lot about me. Maybe even too much. That’s why i’m always gonna be awkward around you and like construct this persona that never let’s you in. cuz i’ve been hurt in the past. never again.

jeez. saying how i really feel about something is just SO EXHAUSTING. thank god i can be ironic. and thank god i’ll deliver it in the same monotone voice that i always communicate with. that way no one can ever say what they think i believe or don’t believe. so i can never be pegged for this or that. totally. i can have an identityless identity. awesome.

i mean caring is so BLAH. see? that’s all the description it deserves. hating everything makes the world so much easier to deal with. you’re dumb. he’s stupid. and its such a burden that i’m the only one who sees it. if anyone ever tries to talk to me about anything. i’ll just say WHATEVER and leave. then i don’t have to be responsible for anything. awesome.

Cujo Just Shat Himself

Friday, July 13th, 2007

(http://3 NULL.bp NULL.blogspot NULL.com/_ojyahdSAHtg/Rpf3KwWiBNI/AAAAAAAAAAc/efCCyaSFtdM/s1600-h/whippetDM1207_468x669 NULL.jpg)

I could take her.

start from empty

Thursday, July 12th, 2007

(http://4 NULL.bp NULL.blogspot NULL.com/_ojyahdSAHtg/RpcEAAWiBLI/AAAAAAAAAAM/4kGEdGPon-8/s1600-h/0045 NULL.jpg)I said to a friend today when i get writer’s block or can’t think of what to write about, i write about not being able to write. its always loosens something up. shakes some sort of idea out of my head while ruminating on the absence of ideas.

Sine i’m starting with nothing, it somehow allows me to just make statements. things i wish were true about me or the world around me. Let’s explore this process.

I got nothing. Nothing. Nothing. A teacher once said to me “I think you’re afraid to look inside because you’re afraid nothing is there.” Of course this statement exploded my 19 or 20 year old head. Now i think its the opposite. I’m afraid to open up cuz i know its so much in there.

It seems to be the situation in New York. It can be very hard to stay sane and balanced with the overwhelming energy of this city. There’s a lot of tunnel vision going on around me. Especially when i feel like i’m trying to get people to care about coming to a live show. There’s so much to do here that there’s nothing to do here. People have to block out all the options. You have to have that tunnel. “No thanks…I Tivo’d Desperate Housewives.” Its very hard to get people to do something outside their own routine. So the days become the same.

What i love about new york is that its a city fll of people that mostly feel lonely. The biggest city in the most powerful country in the world and not a lot of people know each other. I’m always amazed at mysel in that respect. I try to keep contact with friends. But i get stressed about spending my free time doing something that i usually decide to just sit and stare or sleep. I live in the same city, in some cases the same neighborhood as people i care about, and still it take me months to return phone calls. Pitiful.

Its one of the only citys where friendships start to become burdens. That attitude of “aw man I really need to call so and so but i’m afraid they’ll be angry with me because of my lack of contact so i’ll put it off until later.” On and on until connection is lost.

SIDETRACKED
Just heard one of my favorite bands’ music in a Reese’s commercial.
Chromeo “Needy Girl”
Part of me feels like the song has been cheapened since its in a commercial. The other part is happy that they’re getting some money so they can keep doing music and touring. I’ve been in commercials myself, who am I to judge?

So much

Thursday, July 5th, 2007

has happened since i last posted.

break ups. iPhone. world gone to shit. oh wait, that was already happening.

I sit now in an apartment owned by Zanies Comedy Club in Chicago. A club i’ve never played in a city I’ve never been to.

I am EXCITED. and a little nervous. I’ve done an hour before plenty of times, but that was to college students. This’ll be a mix of people. I’ve performed for a mix of people plenty of times. But not for an hour.

can you see what i’m doing? I’m looking for a reason to be nervous. i don’t need it. i’ll be fine.

so the iPhone. i saw two of them. one in a box belonging to Trevor Moore of the whitest kids. I made a big deal about it and made a show of disgust much to the dismay and delight of Timmy Williams (i wrote their names in cuz i KNOW they google themselves).

the iPhone is just another brick to help me build my conspiracy theories about Jobs. i don’t know. Both times i held it i felt the urge to own it and to do damage to toddlers. if you want karate chop toddlers in the head, then yes, by all means, go get an iPhone.

with all the iProducts out of the market that people just “have to have” i’m waiting for that moment when Jobs pushes that button and everyone that owns one is held slave to Kajagoogoo on loop.

They shall build monuments to him.

They shall wake up one day in excruciating pain and look down to see themselves birth a giant metal spike covered in furr.

The rest? Well let’s hope there is no more.

i can commit

Thursday, April 12th, 2007

i can i can i can!!

so the Bay-Ron (that’s me) has been on the road a lot the last few months. Going back and forth to NYC. this is the first FULL week I’ve had in the city in a few months. feels nice having some down time.

i’m doing a lot of research right now to write some new jokes. Does that makes sense? Any at all? I mean I’m a guy who refused to write research papers in high school. Refused! (hence my lack of knowing how to put ideas into words – even this parenthetical is flawed! i don’t know where the punctuation goes!)

I failed an English class because the paper was a huge part of my semester grade. I didn’t want to write it. I mean, come on, there were reruns of the Simpsons on! (ended a sentence with a prepostion) Now, when faced with making drunken people that don’t really know how to deal with their own existence laugh, I’m like, “I best hits them books!” …And by books I mean the internet.

–i watching a movie right now called Running Scared – here’s the info from cable…
3 stars. ’88. Two cool Chicago undercover officers try to put a drug lord permanently out of business. Starring Gregory Hines, Billy Crystal, Jimmy Smits, Steven Bauer, Darlanne Fluegel, Joe Pantoliano, Directed Peter Hyams– Does it SOUND like there can ever be a better movie?

My relationship with stand up is tumultuous at best. Right now we’re having some issues. I’ve been spending a lot of time with her lately, but that STILL doesn’t seem like enough. I just want her to be good to me sometimes. I know she has been and will be, but right now it seems like she wants me dead.

Pilot Season

Thursday, March 1st, 2007

Its pilot season people! I, Baron Vaughn, actor, have been going out for a lot of audition as of late. With that comes reading a lot of scripts. Since I’ve started to write more and more of my own stuff the structure and tricks of a script are more apparent to me then they’ve ever been. Especially if I keep seeing the same thing used in the same way.

Me:
in every sciprt EVER
there’s someone that’s a high powered something
whether its a man or woman and they’re trying to be a good parent
and they ALWAYS promise their son/daughter
i’ll MAKE it to your recital
kid goes “you sure mom/dad?”
yes, yes i am.
why do all these kids base so much of how they love their parent on coming to recitals? don’t they watch movies in movies? it never works out.
you fucking can’t play the violin
why is it important to you for rich dad to see you suck

Josh
: hahaha

Me
:
i’d be like please DON’T come
i don’t know how to tune this thing
go make money
and buy me something so i’ll feel better about how much i suck
Josh: haha

Me
:
Ice cream and a car can take away the pain of playing the theme to Jurassic Park off key

A New Line I’ve Been Using

Tuesday, February 13th, 2007

I said it onstage for the first time the other night. Originally I thought it needed something else, but people get it. Well, at least the ones who are gonna get it get it. Everyone doesn’t. But that’s ok.

I know you all can tell by looking at me, I’m related to Thomas Jefferson.

Virginia

Monday, February 12th, 2007

So i’m doing this little tour with American Eagle right now in which I’ve gone to a few colleges. Tonight I was at James Madison University in Harrisonburg, VA. I heard there’s a Purina factory near here and it usually smells like rotted chicken. It didn’t tonight. That’s a good sign. Driving thru the snow on the way to Kent State tomorrow. Blog? I’m back. I guess.