Archive for 2006

Moment of Clarity #30

Monday, July 17th, 2006

The letter “R” is very important. Without it i’d end up saying things like…

“gil, i want to touch you beasts.”

Don’t Blow the Job!

Friday, July 14th, 2006

I came home last night (3am) to someone getting a blowjob on the stoop next to mine. It was not inconspicuous by any means. A man sitting on the stairs with a woman kneeling in front of him. His hands clasped around her bouncing head. I mean I am assuming here so I apologize.

My favorite part was when they saw me coming. The guy saw me coming and I guess he gestured to the woman to stop moving. Her head was still but they were still in the exact same position. Yes, that’s gonna fool me. That is what is gonna make me rethink the fact that you’re receiving fellatio in public. Her just keeping her head still.

“Oh my God!! Is that what I think it is. She is totally sucking his…wait a minute. Her head isn’t moving anymore. Hmm, well I guess I was wrong. They must just be playing Scattergories on the street. At 3am. With her head is his lap. Scattergories. Yeah.”

You’re not allowed to be embarrased once you’ve commited to that. That’s a brave thing to do. I mean you can’t just pause everytime someone walks by. Shove it in their face. I mean not literally. Don’t shove it in their face. I mean her face is already being shoved. I mean don’t apologize. Celebrate it. Cuz really you guys are oral sexing it up on the street! Wow. I’m coming home alone to my little room to blog about it. Yup, I feel fulfilled. Its a good thing tears are a great sleeping pill.

An Old Joke.

Friday, July 7th, 2006

A tourist goes to Mexico with a tourist group, but finds himself separated from them. The only thing he knows is that he’s supposed to meet with his group at the church in the middle of town at 6:30pm to go back to the hotel. Like an idiot, he didn’t bring a watch with him. So he walks up to a man sitting on the edge of the road with a donkey standing next to him

“Excuse me…uh…habla ingles?”

“Si.”

“Oh good. Do you know what time it is?”

The man sitting in the road grabs the donkey’s balls and lifts them, “well sir, it’s 5:15pm”

The tourist walks away dumbfounded and disturbed, but strangely impressed. He wanders around the town a bit longer but doesn’t go too far so as not to get lost and makes his way back over to the man in the street. “Excuse me again. Can I get the time?”

The man grabs the donkey’s balls, lifts them, “it’s 6:20.”

“I’m sorry, but how is it you can tell time by fondling that donkey’s junk?”

“Well you grab the donkey’s balls like THIS…you lift them like THIS…and you see that clock over there?”

The Great T-Shirt Caper of 20 ought 6!!!!

Monday, June 26th, 2006

I’m on a search for cool T Shirts. I want a surplus.

I’ve recently discovered that I don’t have enough cool T-Shirts for summer. I have T-Shirts. Plenty of plain white T’s, but I want something that stands on it own as a piece of clothing. Different colors, different graphics, etc.

Please if you read this and have a suggestion for a store or website I should go to to find some T’s, leave a comment beeeeeyatch.

Moment of Clarity #29

Monday, June 26th, 2006

When redheads wear blue they look very patriotic.

…and now presenting the closing number from the current production by the National Speech Impediment Summer Stock Players!!!

“Jesus Drist! Duperdar!
Do you dink you’re what dey day you are!”

$141,453.33 – a poem

Thursday, June 22nd, 2006

you know what?

fuck you!!

fuck you person who went to the ATM before me
at the Washington Mutual on 23rd St and 6th Ave

fuck you person who conveniently left their
transaction reciept in the machine

so that
unsuspectingly people like me
could find it and wonder what the fuck i’m doing with my life

that’s how much you have in checking?

as my jess wood says, “I’ll kill everybody!”

i have a fraction of a fraction of that and i feel like
i’m in the money, honey

i have a sliver of a sliver of that and i feel like
i can eat all of the little debbies nutty bars i want

i have percentage of a percentage of that
but i still have more money that most of my friends

UDDERS

you put that there on purpose
you wanted me to find it

you with your financial know how
with your accountant
with your penchant for keeping receipts
with your knack to file taxes on time
with your shiny shoes
with your money put away for the future
with your money saved for the future
with your 401k
with your mutual funds
with your college money for the kids you haven’t even thought about having

seriously
fuck you.

This time of year…

Saturday, June 17th, 2006

…I’m reminded of the old Bill Hicks joke:

“What the hell did moths bump into before the lightbulb?”

Mr Big Stuff.

Saturday, June 17th, 2006

So I just saw Chris Noth on the N train. Now normally and striahgt black male would have no idea who this was (unless he’s a fan on Law and Order which black men typically aren’t in any sense), but I happen to have a lot of close friend who are Women or Gay Men. That means any time you hang with a group of women or gay men, there will be viewings of Sex and the City. The if you hang out with one female friend there is a 10% chance you will watch Sex and the City. 2 women and/or gay men = 20% chance. 3 = 40%. 4 = 80%. 5 = 160%. That’s right! The increase is exponential!!

If you are hanging out with 5 women/gay men, there is a 160% chance you will watch that show. The extra 60% mean that you will unexpectedly be jostled out of your slumer by a phone call to test how much you retained from the previous evenings show.

So, yes. Chris Noth was Mr. Big. He got up out of his seat and I sat in it. Then I noticed a bunch of girls giggling, staring and then getting very silent. So I looked and I saw who it was. At first I was surprised he was on the subway, but then I thought why wouldn’t he ride the subway? If i get some sort of notoriety, I’ll ride the subway. Its convient and it something I’m used to. I always find it interesting when people assume a celebrity wouldn’t do something normal people do. Like just because Vince Vaughn is Vince Vaughn doesn’t mean he’s gonna stop eating ham sandwiches. He likes ham sandwiches. He liked them before he was famous and helikes them now. What do you think? Once the first million in went in the bank he was like “Ham and Chesse is too pedestrian, from now on I shall only eat Lobster and Cheese followed by Lamb and Quiche with mayo”? He learned the same lesson we learned from Hammer and Coery Feldman: put some money away because it won’t last forever if you do dumb shit. And that’s the truth.

Which is it?

Wednesday, June 14th, 2006

Am I pushing people to not want to talk to me anymore or are they pushed to that? Like they just feel like that no matter what I say? Its an issue of something I’ve always thought about since high school: intention vs perception. What I mean to say vs. how its being taken. I have little control over how its being taken. If I’m talking to a person that’s predisposed to receive what I’m saying as an attack, they’re gonna react to me like I just took a swing at them.

It reminds me of “World Views” which I think is a Meisner thing. Its a view a character has of everyone around them like “Eveyone is just a little bit dumber tham I am” or “Everyone is out to get me.” I think a lot of people in 2006 have the view of “Everyone is out to get me.” Somehow I got into an arguement with someone I care about and it ended with “I can’t talk to you about this anymore. Peace.” Maybe what I was saying was harsh or “too real” as they say. I don’t know, but i don’t like being the bad guy. I don’t like that she’s probably thinking, “Man, Fuck, Baron.” And not in the good way. Like she’s commanding some whore slave to do my bidding. But the bad way. Like I’m gonna have darts thrown at a picture of my face to blow off steam.

This is a new potential bit based on a convo with friend Josh Grosvent…

Stand Up is one of the few things people think they can just do and be brilliant. Its an art. It takes years to master it and even longer to get recognized. I was watching HBO and they showed a preview of “Tourgasm” a new show starring Dane Cook. The voiceover reffered to Dane Cook as “hot new comedian” UMMM, Dane Cook has been doing stand up for 16 years!!! But in stand up years you’re still reffered to as a new comedian. That’s the perception that makes Dingleberry Joe from the office, or dealership, or time share who can make his friends and family laugh think he can walk on stage once and walk off with a $100,000 development deal with a major network. Amazing comedians can make it look like they are coming up with the shit right there. It takes them nearly a decade to make it look easy. There’s usually someone in the audience that goes, “Hey that’s easy. I should be getting paid for this.” That doesn’t happen with other professions that take a certain a level of skill, education and talent to do.

“Yeah, I think I’m gonna go be a concert violinist. Yeah, I been watching PBS, saw some guy playing and it looks pretty easy. I figure I’ll go pick one up tomorrow and go be the first chair of the New York Philharmoic the next day.”

“Yup, thing i’m gonna be a city planner. yeah, I’ve seen a lot of cities on TV, even lived in a few and I could totally do that better. I mean how hard can it be? I just put up a few buildings and pave some roads, right?”

Then again where would we be if some drunk guy didn’t go “You know what seems like an easy job? President. I’m gonna go be the President.”

Um yeah…

Sunday, June 11th, 2006

So on Friday June 9, 2006, the New York Post had a cover that shocked the shite out of me. A picture of the newly dead Al-Zarqawi with a cartoon voice bubble that said “Warm Up the Virgins.” Wow. Distasteful. I mean, yes, its good he’s dead but COME ON!

Ever walked into a store with a specific request? You knew exactly what you needed. You looked around and said to yourself, “Hey what happened to my garden shears? I needed those.” So you go to a hardware store, go right up to an employee and say “Excuse me, I need some garden shears.” For some reason, there are people who will offer you something completely different that you do not need, that’s not even related to what you need.

“Well we don’t have those? You want some lightbulbs?”

Huh? That’s the furthest away from what I need.

“What about a lampshade?”

No. I specifically need garden shears!

That’s how I feel about Osama Bin Laden. We continue to be offered other things, but never got what we went to get in the first place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got a passive aggressive automated message. I called a friend and the voice said “This customer has chosen not to receive incoming calls.” Really? Why would someone chose to not receive incoming calls? Why would someone chose to not have one of the 2 primary reasons to have a phone? I get in touch with that person a little later and she tells me “I can’t pay my bills.” Hmm, so that means. Her cell phone company was being a smart ass. “Uh yeah, this person has chosen not to receive calls because they haven’t paid there bill. Paying your bill means you want a phone. Apparently, this person does not want one. So you see, they’ve chosen not to receive calls. I’ve made my point.” Quite a service.