Archive for 2006

If you like Martial Arts movies, read on…

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

So a few posts ago I wrote about Mr Bruce Lee. He’s still bad ass, but get ready for the next generation.

So Jackie Chan is getting old and has broken every bone in his body multiple times. Jet Li is about to stop doing martial arts films. Reportedly, “Fearless” (http://www NULL.fearlessthemovie NULL.com/) is his last movie of that genre.

The other night I watched a movie I’d been wanting to for a while, “Ong Bak: Thai Warrior.” (http://www NULL.imdb NULL.com/title/tt0368909/) This movie had a gentlemen in it who is the future of Martial Arts Films: Tony Jaa.

This dude is amazing. He has a good onscreen intensity and some hardcore moves. Hardcore I say! “Thai Warrior” has some footwork in it this is just astounding. It’s the kind of foot work that would make Capoeira (http://www NULL.imdb NULL.com/title/tt0107750/) fanatics drop their jaws. Here’s the kicker. No wires. This movie is very bare bones grass roots Martial Arts. Its not the elegant ballet that a Yuen Wo Ping (http://www NULL.imdb NULL.com/name/nm0950759/) would create made famous by the Matrix, Kill Bill and Crouching Tiger. Its more like a club with some real Poppers and Lockers on the floor. Its still beautiful and takes skill, but its more immediate and on the same level with every one.

So Tony was the stunt double in the Mortal Kombat movie for Robin Shou (Liu Kang). I saw a piece of a documentary the other day that Shou directed. I need to see again. Its about a school in China that you enter when you’re 14/15/16 to become the elitist stunt martial artists in the world: The Red Tousers (http://www NULL.imdb NULL.com/title/tt0360921/).

Again, no wires. Check out this clip. The man is simply jumping. This is all his own athleticism. I really got to get in shape. Any shape. I don’t even have a shape. I’m just a skinny amoeba. I don’t even know how I’m typing.

Pussy Control!

Thursday, August 17th, 2006

This is a rap I wrote as commissioned by Sara Schaefer (http://saraschaefer NULL.com/) for her show Video Gaga (http://video-gaga NULL.blogspot NULL.com/). I don’t know if we’re gonna have the time to do it by monday, but I wanted to share cuz I’m pretty proud of this.

These are 3 gangsta cats that call themselves “Pussy Bandits.” DJ Tabby Tab, Kal E Koe, and Scat Kat 2.0. So enjoy their number 1 hit “Motherf&#%er, I’m a CAT!”

DJ TABBY TAB:
I’m a cat motherfucker
You a dog my bitch
I gotta itch you better scratch
‘fo I put you in a ditch
cuz I’m a mean mother fucker
I’m a bad ass Tabby
I shot Rin Tin Tin
And impregnated Lassie
Better get checked for rabies and scabies
Its ok, the dirty ho will have cat-dog babies
Fuck her I don’t want nutin to do wit’em
She bring ‘em to me, I’m a spit and hit ‘em
I’ll split and quit’em. I’ll shit and forget ‘em
And I’ll Find a cardboard where I can fit ‘em
Then I mail to China cuz that’s what I do
I’m a Gangsta C-A-T so fuck you!
They’ll be Siamese if they please, what what?
You want to get me fixed? Well you can suck dese nuts!
You best step the fuck back
Cuz I be callin the shots
I’m a kitty cat and you’re not!

(chorus)
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Motherfucker this is where its at!
Motherfucker I’m a CAT
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother fucker this is where its at!

KAL E KOE:
I’m “Tyrannus” and you’re “Sic Semper”
I’m gonna give you some distemper
Gonna pop your bubble like the Hindenburg blimp
You’ll be walking like Rick Moranis with a limp
“Meow” That’s what I say to get the pussy
I’m hypnotic melodic like I’m Claude DeBussy
Got a line of fine feline all down the street
Cuz I got the ice to handle girls in heat
And they purr so sweet
Cuz I’m so complete
I rub they feet, I’m so discreet
I’m treat those women like the Mix that I love to eat
Fuck a litter box, I’ll shit and piss where I likey
In you silk dress socks and your Air Jordan Nikes
If you annoy me, boy, I’ll fuckin piss on your bed
You can’t destroy me, I’ll even shit on your head.

(coughs up a hair ball for a bit. The music stop until it comes out. Goes straight into…)

SCAT KAT 2.0:
I’ll kill your schemes
I’ll stab your dreams
I’ll eat your spleen
I’m a freaky fiend
I’m picking up steam
I’m not what I seem
You tryin to ride my stream
But its too extreme
I gleam and I team with the mean fucking teens
To redeem the regime of the streets and the scenes
So unclean, makes you scream what you see
When the beams shine your sheen
You will flee climb a tree need codeine
Set the scene, and esteem what I be
You can’t escape me
Or fucking mind rape me
Cuz I move and I shake, see?
Fuck you old lady!
Mufasa and Simba got nothing or me
Cuz I’m motherfuckin C-A-T!

Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Motherfucker this is where its at!
Motherfucker I’m a CAT
Here kitty kitty kitty,
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother Fucker I’m a CAT!
Here kitty kitty kitty
Mother fucker this is where its at!

(Chorus repeats and then it cuts to the “Meow Meow” Meow Mix song)

Pissed Off (in more ways than one)

Monday, August 14th, 2006

You have to imagine me saying “in more ways than one” in a funny high pitched voiced with a South American accent.

So one of my best friends, Chanelle (she loves it when I put “best friend” and her name in the same sentence), is doing a play outdoors in a park right now. Its the Classic Greek “The Bacchae.” They had a cancellation. They had to cancel their show which is outside. They had to cancel their show is which they role around on the ground. Did I mention it was outside?

Here’s an email I got from Chanelle about why they had to cancel…

“So i went to my call last night and was getting into costume, i thought it was unusually quiet and had that weird feeling that somehow the show was not going to happen, but as i was applying the clay i figured, ah, guess it is…

there’s this homeless guy who it seems is very upset that we are in his space, and has had some confrontations with the directors, he kind of looks like he thinks he’s a figure in one of the bars in star wars, he has a palm pilot and a strange monocle, and wears this cloak. so anyway, one of the tech guys caught him dousing the entire stage and seating area in bottles of his urine, so by the time we arrived the stage and benches were wet with a mixture of urine and lemon cleaning fluid. so we had to cancel the show because we couldn’t run or roll around as we needed to…cancellation due to pee.”

I argue that a play would be more interesting if you knew you might be sitting in pee.

Euripides’ The Bacchae
Fri-Sun, 8:30pm
Aug 4th – Aug 27th
Riverside Park
89th & Riverside Dr
FREE!

Where you from?

Wednesday, August 9th, 2006

Can I get a what what in my comments? Who the hell is actually reading this thing? If you’ve come here more than once, please leave a comment. I’ll actually write more if i know people are expecting me to whip out the goods. I will bring the proverbial “it.”

So…I’m struggling for a topic…uh…Oh…no, that’s…uh…yeah I uh…fuck.

I know! I’ll post an idea I had for a joke that might make a better blog entry.

I’m from a little known town called Las Vegas, NV. I recently discovered that telling people I’m from Vegas is code for “Say something stupid to me.” The top 3 most common idiotic comments are as follows…

3. Did you live in a casino?
2. Did you get paid in poker chips?
1. Is your mother a hooker?

Thanks. That’s the perfect thing to say to someone you just met. I’m gonna start doing that to people. I’m gonna make assumptions about you based on limited stereotypical knowledge of your home.

Oh you’re from New York?
Did you live in the bourbon soaked rotted stomach of an unconcious homeless man passed out on a park bench?
Did you get paid in the binge drinking induced vomit of 20something Jersey and Long Island weekenders?
Is your mother the penetrating aroma or urine of the F train?

Oh you’re from Los Angeles?
Is your mother a saline chested attention hound willing to do anything and anyone for a 15 second walk on role on the lowest rated show on the Food Network?

…and I’ll make them up about places I know nothing about

Oh you’re from Lochern, MD?
Did you live on a donkey farm run by flying red pixies that loved to sing showtunes in German accents?

Oh you’re from Herman, NE?
Did you get paid with the teeth of kittens that failed to pass the LSATs?

Oh yo’re from Liberal, KS? Sure I know where it is. About 30 miles south of Sublette.
Is your mother a 300 pound Simoan gentleman that wears brown spandex and likes to have sex with bullet wounds that actually believes in and worships Poseiden?

…and on and on until people stop being stupid. That means I’ll be saying these things forever.

posters on the train

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006

I find it ok to not take reading with me on the subway when i ride around the city. I like to people watch and there’s always plenty of reading on the walls of the cars. They’re usually easy to see because THE ENTIRE WALL IS PLASTERED WITH THE SAME AD. Here’s 2 that caught my eye today.

“of course new york is cool. it has millions of air conditioners”

this is an ad for the ever infamous Con Edison. um, excuse me, ConED, new york ISN’T cool. remember how there was a POWER OUTAGE? Some called it a BLACKOUT and called themselves FUCKED. remember how sometimes random people get ELECTROCUTED because of a seemingly careless approach to handling live wires? yeah, not cool.

another ConED ad reads

“we’re on it. under it. inside it. through it. above it. across it.”

ah. poetry. nice to see that ConED hired Robert Pinsky, Maya Angelou, and ee cummings to collarborate on that piece of art. It actually sounds more like a threat to me. sounds like a serial rapist describing what they’re gonna do to their next victim. which, of course, will be an altercation that conlcudes with electrocution.

which brings me to another point: why is ConED advertising? is there some competition i don’t know about? some power company that won’t accidentally kill people and have power outages occur? no? well guess you gotta do something with all that money.

I’ve been seeing a lot of ads for Jesus for Jews. What happened to Jews for Jesus? Is it the same organization that wanted an image change? Is it someone different? Or is it just that jewsforjesus.com and .org were already taken? Damn 15 year olds.

It’s good that they changed the name cuz one of them implies that Jesus is worshipping the Jews.

Now I don’t mean to make fun or what someone believes, but yes I do.

Here’s 2 ads I liked by them

“Pursuing truth is a noble thing. But what if it leads you to an unpopular belief that might be misunderstood by those you care about the most?”

Hmm. An unpopular belief? Christianity? Last I checked (and I do check) its pretty popular. But you are talking about the Jews. Maybe its not popular amongst them. Usually Christianity isn’t popular becuz they are busy being Jewish. Gets in the way of your daily allowance of Jesus.

“Often our culture dictates what we’re willing to consider. But truth knows no such limits. Shlomy can tell you.”

And the man pictured as the Israeli Shlomy looks exactly like an Israeli named Shlomy.

You guys got me JeJews! I’m gonna convert to Judaism then convert to something that sits strangely between Christianity and Judaism that manages to be scarier than both! Yay! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Oh wait, that’s just because we’re being held in the station.

Lee-tastic

Monday, July 31st, 2006

Its 2006 and Bruce Lee is still the baddest mofo that has ever existed.

Snark-tastic

Monday, July 31st, 2006

Sometimes I get to do shows in Midtown for Tourist McTouristy. A whole audience of people that come to New York. Most of them expect it to just be a bigger version of where they are from. Wrong! New York is in no way nice or simple. Sorry. It’s true.

I did a show the other day in Midtown. I’ve been doing a lot of shows at the Improv Cafe which is run by my friend Aaron Haber. I had 3 shows there recently. 2 were great and the one sandwiched in the middle was strange. They clammed up if I said or implied anything about race. When I walked off stage a woman in the back on the room said, “You’ve got a lot of potential. You should drop the racial stuff.” I pulled back my sleeve, showed her my skin color, pointed at it and said, “It Happens.”

Indeed. Contrary to popular belief, Stand Up comics love getting notes and criticism from people who have done stand up never. This woman doesn’t realize that its because of people like her that I do racial material. Her statements to me mean that what I did wasn’t white friendly and thus needs to be cut from my act. Which of course means I’m gonna do the opposite. That’s like telling a swimmer to not get wet. That’s like telling a skydiver to not fall. When you are black in America, race is an issue cuz you’re always seen as the other. White is normal and you are the other. The problem people. Its an issue in my life, so I talk about it onstage. So Shut it lady and go watch Robin Williams.

And Now….
for my all time favorite Viral Video “Afro Ninja”

That is comedy.
I showed this to a friend and he said he doesn’t find it funny when people get hurt. He has something called empathy which makes him feel for human beings. Hey man, I have it too. Like if this happened on a sidwalk outside Central Park. I wouldn’t find it funny. But this guy is auditioning for a movie and he fucks it up!!! And he gets up and still tries to finish. Man, that is funny! Maybe its because I go on auditions a lot and if I do badly, I can always say “well I least i didn’t try to do a backflip and land on my face!”

That always brightens my day.

Rut-tastic

Wednesday, July 26th, 2006

Its amazing how when you technically have nothing to do you really do nothing. I have nothing to do, but the “technically” means I have various assignments floating around my head that need to get done. Various things ranging from cleaning my room to cleaning the bathroom to writing sketches to writing jokes to doing laundry to paying my 6 month delinquent student loans to filing taxes for 2005.

Things that I maybe just maybe should get done.

I haven’t had what you could call a day job in a long while which is good. Very good. Many of my friends have to assuage their desire to nut kick me when I tell them that. Doesn’t mean i’m confortable at all. I am living check to check. I know there are checks coming, but I don’t know when. That means i can run out of money and not have another check for a month. I still have to get through that month. So i’m perpetually “on the verge” Somethings gonna happen. I just don’t know what or when.

I’ve described it as having planted seeds that haven’t yet grown. If you were a stranger who didn’t know there were seeds there, you’d walk by and think “Why is that black asshole watering dirt? And why is there a patch of dirt in a fluorescent junkyard. How did I end up walking by this junkyard? How did this junkyard become fluorescent? There is pink, yellow and orange everywhere! Where is my son?”

See? Its an indentity crisis for everyone involved.

Set to set

Friday, July 21st, 2006

They say every comedian lives set to set. By “they” I mean Jacob They and the They Foundation (saying what’s what for 100 years). By “Set to set” I mean you have a great set and you feel great until you have a shitty set which makes you feel shitty until you have a great set. I’ve gotten better and better at accepting when I have horrible sets. I can just tell by the mood and the audience when that’s gonna happen. Most comedians will say the good/bad set relationship happens in movements. They’ll be a time where you’re just having bad set after bad set: the slump. Suddenly all the sets are good. Sometimes that even happens when you’re doing the exact same material.

This week for me has been a set to set week. I’m 2 and 2. The best set of the week comes with an interesting story. I made my premiere on the infamous show Invite Them Up (http://invitethemup NULL.com) on Wednesday night when who shows up 5 minutes before the show? Why the one and only Louis CK (http://lousick NULL.com). i was nervous to follow him cuz once I had to follow Chris Rock and that wasn’t pleasant. People looked at me and were like “the fact you exist means you’re trying to copy him,” and i didn’t have a good time. But now I’m a better comedian and I know what I’m doing. I had a great set and felt good about everything in the world.

Then thursday came, back to the drawing board. And by “drawing board” I mean floating razor blades above my wrists.

Hmm, even I’m uncomfortable with that joke.

Moment of Clarity #31

Wednesday, July 19th, 2006

(I thought of this one first)

The day before Armaggedon, I want to be the first person to say, “Let’s blank like there’s no tomorrow.”

(then I thought of it this way)

If you had a friend who was psychic, it’d be intimidating to hear them say “Let’s blank like there’s no tomorrow.”

(Regardless of which is funnier, I’m still disgusted with myself as a human being.)