Archive for 2006


Wednesday, September 27th, 2006

…its been a while. I’ve been running around a lot lately. When i’m not at home i’m not around my computer and don’t have the opportunity to write. Sadness indeed. I will update soon. SOON I TELL YOU! For now, however, I’m gonna play with my new digital camera. HELL YEAH!!! More stand up to be taped!!

Bush LOVED The Rock.

Monday, September 18th, 2006

Jivemn2 : Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Attndnt : Can I get you something?

Jivemn2 : S’mo fo butter layin’ to the bone. Jackin’ me up.

Attndnt : I’m sorry I don’t understand.

Jivemn1 : Cutty say he cant hang.

Woman4 : Oh stewardess, I speak jive.

Attndnt : Ohhhh, good.

Woman4 : He said that he’s in great pain and he wants to know
if you can help him.

Attndnt : Would you tell him to just relax and I’ll be back as
soon as I can with some medicine.

Woman : Jus’ hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the`
rebound a de medcide.

Jivemn2 : What it is big mamma, my mamma didn’t raise no dummy, I
dug her rap.

Woman4 : Cut me som’ slac’ jak! Chump don wan no help, chump
don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains

There’s a scene in the movie “The Rock” where theere is a mutiny. Ed Harris’ character shows that he doesn’t want to kill innocent people so he’s relieved of his command. 3 soldiers have guns pointed at him and one doesn’t. He’s then told -

“Major Baxter, you’re either
with us or against us.”

Hmm, I wonder where else I’ve heard that.

And God said "Let there be Black People…"

Friday, September 15th, 2006

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.jpg)

This is what happens when Joe Mande (http://www NULL.joemande is bored at work.

Play this and stare.
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Stop it, Baron

Wednesday, September 13th, 2006

I dedicate this to the people in Queens. A gentleman I know by the name of Dave Hill (http://davehillonline made this and the first time I saw it I laughed heartily. You’ll only get this if you live in NYC and have seen this local commercial.

I can’t buy anymore books. That’s what happens when I start getting money. I’ll wander into a bookstore and just pick up the first 5 things that my eye catches. What can I say? I like knowledge. Eh, ladies? Knowledge.

These are the last few things I picked up.
Misquoting Jesus (http://www by Bart D. Ehrman – heard about this in TIME in a little snippet from Craig as in THE Craig from Craigslist.

Microthrills (http://www by Wendy Spero – had met Wendy before but was reintroduced to her at a few NYC comedy shows. She’s very funny and might be the single most adorable person I’ve ever met.

The Paradox of Choice (http://www by Barry Schwartz – saw this a long time ago when I purchased “Mediated” which is one of my new favorite books.

Soul on Ice (http://www by Eldridge Cleaver – a classic book of essays written during the 60s by a disenfranchised angry black man. My cup of tea.

Lew Hunter’s Screenwriting 434 (http://www – a friend suggested I get this if I want to write movies. It helped him a great deal.

Death etc. (http://www by Harold Pinter – a small collection of short plays, poems and speeches by my favorite playwright and Nobel Prize winning author.

I still have many books I haven’t read. I need to just read EVERYTHING on my bookshelf. I don’t know what it is about having a bunch of books on it that makes me feel like I have an identity. I’ve read maybe 75% of what I have.

Git ta readin!

For some reason…

Tuesday, September 12th, 2006

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.jpg)…New York City has decided to pull in a whole fleet of brand new to newish taxicabs. Of course, my predictable joke is “finally new fresh smelling cabs with leather interiors that still won’t pick me up.” OH!

Of course we’re all accustomed to the Ford Crown Victoria pictured to the right (this is a 2006 model, I’m sure the cars they have range from 98-02). I like to call them the FC Vic’s. Most people don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I’ll say “Hey let’s go get in an FC Vic” and I’ll usually say it after someone asks me the time or my middle name. No one knows what I mean. Also, they are hard to recognize when they’re not painted yellow or without the word “Police” written on the side with sirens on top. Isn’t it hilarious that cabs and cop cars are the same model? One will be damned before they pick me up, the other CAN’T WAIT to get me in the back seat. OH!

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.jpg)The other day I was walking down the street with friends in the East Village area and there were a few of us. We were going to a party I think. A birthday party. And it was far enough that it would take a while to walk, but close enough that a cab would be inexpensive. At that moment, a van cab passed by which is of course the Toyota Sienna. he refused to take us. Refused. One friend of course was angry about it. As he is right to be. There is a law. A what? A law. Well what’s a law? Glad you asked. (http://dictionary NULL.reference WOW! has 22 definitions as a noun. Must be an interesting concept. Here’s the first 4.

1. the principles and regulations established in a community by some authority and applicable to its people, whether in the form of legislation or of custom and policies recognized and enforced by judicial decision.
2. any written or positive rule or collection of rules prescribed under the authority of the state or nation, as by the people in its constitution. Compare bylaw, statute law.
3. the controlling influence of such rules; the condition of society brought about by their observance: maintaining law and order.
4. a system or collection of such rules.

Hmm, so apparently there is a law that New York City cab drivers CAN NOT refuse a fare. But they do do do. Not all. I’m not gonna lump them together, but as a lot of people in this city know from personal experience that certain drivers will not take certain people to certain areas. This particular driver didn’t want to take we 5 people to our destination. “Not even a few blocks.” That is a quote.

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.5 NULL.jpg)The other day I had a cab driver (driving the new Ford Escape – escape from Manhattan) who actually said to me “I was looking for someone to go to Queens.” WHAT? Wow. Sometimes there are the people are are refreshing. Maybe even personable. Sometimes they are funny. Smart. But still whenever I get into a cab with no problems, its so confusing I don’t know what day it is. I think to myself “Is it February? Hooray, 28 days I can catch a cab.” (That’s a black history month joke for those who don’t know.)

I am the Snake on this Train

Tuesday, September 5th, 2006

I’m on a Train to Boston. Yes, train.

I decided to splurge because I wanted to be comfortable and on time, but of course it worked out that the train was 40 minutes late and I’m going be in Boston 15 minutes before the first show I’m supposed to do starts. Indeed I shall rush over to the Studio (http://thecomedystudio

On this train I’m listening to music and what I’m into right now is something I’m gona call Brit Hop. British Hip Hop. Its getting bigger and bigger. Actually I don’t know if that’s true at all. It is to me. I feel like a lot of people have heard of Dizzee Rascal, The Streets and MIA, but I’m listening to some people that haven’t quite caught on in America. First off there’s JME (http://myspace

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.2 NULL.jpg)I’m digging JME (http://myspace Someone friended me on the Myspace and had his music on their page. I went to his page and I was like “whadda hell?” He’s got some nice syncopated beats and a flow that reminds me on a conversational Busta Rhymes. Some of his lines are so simple that they’re absurdly hilarious like the beginning of his song “Awoh”

Boy you better know
Boy you better know
That’s me
So Shh Hut Yuh Muh
You need to tighten up your CV (British for resume)
Microsoft Word
That’s you
You’re a nerd
Stop MCing go to the shops
Have a drink

At first, I didn’t know if he knew he stuff was funny. When I heard what I believe was his hit “Serious” (at least for the fact that he references it in most of his other songs), I saw that he knew. The first lines go

Everybody thinks to MC tough
Your lyrics must be about nega’ive stuff.
Go ravin, no one skankin,
Turn round, I bet you someon’s shankin’
Just cuz we come from the guttah
And we know about scrapin the bott’m of da buttah
Don’t mean we have to be sinners
Major labels don’t want killers
Who’s gonna sign a guy with a shank
Or a guy wif a 9mil
All you’re gonna get is a free freak-a-dil
You MC a rave and get a bill
But that bill ain’t gon last
It will go fast
And it might be the last chips for a while
So you won’t have no dough for a while

To the beat
Just bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance to the beat
Just bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance or lean back
Then bob your head to the beat
If you don’t wanna dance to the beat
Just bob your head to the beat

And you will bob your head.

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.5 NULL.jpg)Also, there’s Lady Sovereign (http://myspace (she’s in JME’s top friends and he’s in hers). She calls herself the biggest midget in the game. Already funny. She’s got a really interesting voice and style with songs like “Shh!” and “Adidas Hoodie.” And ya gotsta to remember in England they pronounce it AH-dee-das unlike here where we pronounce it ah-DEE-das.

Here’s the “Adidas Hoodie Remix” and its Mizz Beats Ft Lady Sovereign, Skepta, JME, Ears, Jammer & Baby Blue. Enjoy.

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I didn’t even have to use my AK…you could say it was a good day.

Friday, September 1st, 2006

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.jpg)Yeah yeah yeah, mofo!

So today marked a historical event for me. And by “me” I mean “my mom.” I filmed Law and Order: Criminal Intent today. This fulfills one of my mothers greatest dreams for me which was to be on her favortie show on TV. And by “favorite” I mean “we watched a Law and Order: Criminal Intent marathon on New Years Eve as a means of counting down.” When I told that to Vincent D’Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe, they looked at me much like the photo to the left. They were confused and maybe a little afraid. I guess its the equivalent of someone saying to me “Hey I watched a video or your stand up and stared at a picture of you for 4 hours until it was midnight and then I celebarted by making noise and setting off miniature explosives! YAY!”

I kept thinking to myself the whole time I was was there that it would be HILARIOUS if there was a real murder on the set of Law and Order. Why would that be funny you ask? I’m tell you. Cuz no one would be able to tell who the real cops are and aren’t. The costumes are very authentic. Its disorienting. It’d be a jumble of actors and real cops and what a Mad Cap Romp ‘twould be! I don’t want anyone to die, but if it resulted in tale of mistaken identity to rvial that of the Bard’s Twelfth Night, PLAY ON!

The highlight of the night though was standing on a pier of Long Island City made to look like an outdoor bar/party in the rain. Outdoors. In the drizzle and wind that got worse as the night went on. And we had to look like we were having fun and not wet and cold. Very nice indeed.

BUT EVEN TO OUTDO THAT, was the wonderful experience of waiting in the rain after I’d been wrapped. I stood with a broken umbrella while 3 cabs looked right at me and passed me by refusing to take me somewhere that is only 10 minute drive away (i had no clue how to get back). I stood and walked around for 45 minutes until a clueless driver picked me up. I mean was what I thinking? Why would I expect them to pick me up? Its not February!

All in all it was a fun experience and I met some good people. I was angry I had to cancel 3 spots tonight including the premiere of my own show (http://comedyisforhumans, but Law and Order happens. I’m wet. I’m cold. I’m tired. I just spilled water in my own bed. Great.

A terrible mistake has been made

Tuesday, August 29th, 2006

If you happened to happen upon the NY Post on sunday you might have seen some shocking, disturbing, shockingly disturbing, and disturbingly shocking.

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.1 NULL.jpg) If you picked up the post and saw the cover you would have learned a lot about the world and New York in particular but then you would have seen something that said “New York’s Sexiest” and you would have turned to page 37 to see this title to the right.

Looks ok. “Everything here is on order,” you say to yourself.
“I guess you could say he’s sexy. Ooh, she’s definitely sexy. And her and her.”

Then you’d look at the second page. The next batch of “sexy.”

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Even though there’s something in the back of your mind irking you about this page you continue on. “That looks in order and she’s very super sexy and…wait a minute. What the hell is this?” You look a little closer.

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.jpg) A terrible mistake has been made. I got calls, texts, emails from my very confused friends and such. All asking, “How did that happen?” They are confused. They know me. They know the truth.

Now for jokes…

See, I thought they said “Messiest New Yorkers.” I thought well my life is in shambles. Why not?

The Post tends to have a conservative slant. So if you can believe what they say about Iraq, you can believe what they say about Sexy.


But to Sara Stewart (and Mandy, of course) I say thanks.


Monday, August 28th, 2006

I’m turning into an 8 year old girl.

I woke up the other day and opened my bedroom door to the living room to find a small kitten waiting to get into my room. Suddenly it flashed to me that my roommate had asked me a few weeks ago if I would mind getting a cat and suddenly there it was. Its fucking adorable.

I’m turning into an 8 year old girl. I keep playing with it. Taking pics and vids on my phone with the intention of showing them to friends and saying “Look at my cat! Isn’t is cute!”

I don’t even know its name. I just call it Cutey Cute Cute McCuterson. I’m a black man that has had a gun in my face and I’m using the word “cute” repeatedly.

Someone to Watch

Saturday, August 26th, 2006

I’m gonna start doing a new regular feature on this blog that features an actor (gender neutral term) that is making a career for themselves. These are people that you may have heard of or seen but you don’t really know their names or where they came from. The first person I want to mention is Missi Pyle (http://www (http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.jpg)

Missi graduated from North Carolina School for the Arts with a BFA in Acting in 1995 and since then you’ve seen her doing her thang in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Tim Burton – Violet’s Mom), Bringing Down the House (great fight scene with Queen Latifah – the best part of the movie to me), Galaxy Quest (the aliens that falls for Tony Shaloub’s character), and Dodgeball (the scary unibrowed woman on Ben Stiller’s Dream Team).

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.jpg)I don’t remember who it was I was speaking with about her the other day, but we talked about how she’s one of those actor’s that just adds a special something to every movie she’s been in. Doesn’t really matter how random the movie or the role, she’s fun to watch. She’s having fun and that translates across the screen. She doesn’t have that thing of taking herself too seriously. That doesn’t mean she’s not believable. She’s definitely believeable. But her sense of fun allows her to lend personality to things that aren’t that steeped in reality. Look at her list of roles again. It makes me very interested to see what she’d be like in a “serious” role. I’d love to see her in a play. I’m sure she’d have a confidence and presence that allows her to lend some subtlety to each moment. Either that or I have a weird crush on her.