Archive for July, 2006

Lee-tastic

Monday, July 31st, 2006

Its 2006 and Bruce Lee is still the baddest mofo that has ever existed.

Snark-tastic

Monday, July 31st, 2006

Sometimes I get to do shows in Midtown for Tourist McTouristy. A whole audience of people that come to New York. Most of them expect it to just be a bigger version of where they are from. Wrong! New York is in no way nice or simple. Sorry. It’s true.

I did a show the other day in Midtown. I’ve been doing a lot of shows at the Improv Cafe which is run by my friend Aaron Haber. I had 3 shows there recently. 2 were great and the one sandwiched in the middle was strange. They clammed up if I said or implied anything about race. When I walked off stage a woman in the back on the room said, “You’ve got a lot of potential. You should drop the racial stuff.” I pulled back my sleeve, showed her my skin color, pointed at it and said, “It Happens.”

Indeed. Contrary to popular belief, Stand Up comics love getting notes and criticism from people who have done stand up never. This woman doesn’t realize that its because of people like her that I do racial material. Her statements to me mean that what I did wasn’t white friendly and thus needs to be cut from my act. Which of course means I’m gonna do the opposite. That’s like telling a swimmer to not get wet. That’s like telling a skydiver to not fall. When you are black in America, race is an issue cuz you’re always seen as the other. White is normal and you are the other. The problem people. Its an issue in my life, so I talk about it onstage. So Shut it lady and go watch Robin Williams.

And Now….
for my all time favorite Viral Video “Afro Ninja”

That is comedy.
I showed this to a friend and he said he doesn’t find it funny when people get hurt. He has something called empathy which makes him feel for human beings. Hey man, I have it too. Like if this happened on a sidwalk outside Central Park. I wouldn’t find it funny. But this guy is auditioning for a movie and he fucks it up!!! And he gets up and still tries to finish. Man, that is funny! Maybe its because I go on auditions a lot and if I do badly, I can always say “well I least i didn’t try to do a backflip and land on my face!”

That always brightens my day.

Rut-tastic

Wednesday, July 26th, 2006

Its amazing how when you technically have nothing to do you really do nothing. I have nothing to do, but the “technically” means I have various assignments floating around my head that need to get done. Various things ranging from cleaning my room to cleaning the bathroom to writing sketches to writing jokes to doing laundry to paying my 6 month delinquent student loans to filing taxes for 2005.

Things that I maybe just maybe should get done.

I haven’t had what you could call a day job in a long while which is good. Very good. Many of my friends have to assuage their desire to nut kick me when I tell them that. Doesn’t mean i’m confortable at all. I am living check to check. I know there are checks coming, but I don’t know when. That means i can run out of money and not have another check for a month. I still have to get through that month. So i’m perpetually “on the verge” Somethings gonna happen. I just don’t know what or when.

I’ve described it as having planted seeds that haven’t yet grown. If you were a stranger who didn’t know there were seeds there, you’d walk by and think “Why is that black asshole watering dirt? And why is there a patch of dirt in a fluorescent junkyard. How did I end up walking by this junkyard? How did this junkyard become fluorescent? There is pink, yellow and orange everywhere! Where is my son?”

See? Its an indentity crisis for everyone involved.

Set to set

Friday, July 21st, 2006

They say every comedian lives set to set. By “they” I mean Jacob They and the They Foundation (saying what’s what for 100 years). By “Set to set” I mean you have a great set and you feel great until you have a shitty set which makes you feel shitty until you have a great set. I’ve gotten better and better at accepting when I have horrible sets. I can just tell by the mood and the audience when that’s gonna happen. Most comedians will say the good/bad set relationship happens in movements. They’ll be a time where you’re just having bad set after bad set: the slump. Suddenly all the sets are good. Sometimes that even happens when you’re doing the exact same material.

This week for me has been a set to set week. I’m 2 and 2. The best set of the week comes with an interesting story. I made my premiere on the infamous show Invite Them Up (http://invitethemup NULL.com) on Wednesday night when who shows up 5 minutes before the show? Why the one and only Louis CK (http://lousick NULL.com). i was nervous to follow him cuz once I had to follow Chris Rock and that wasn’t pleasant. People looked at me and were like “the fact you exist means you’re trying to copy him,” and i didn’t have a good time. But now I’m a better comedian and I know what I’m doing. I had a great set and felt good about everything in the world.

Then thursday came, back to the drawing board. And by “drawing board” I mean floating razor blades above my wrists.

Hmm, even I’m uncomfortable with that joke.

Moment of Clarity #31

Wednesday, July 19th, 2006

(I thought of this one first)

The day before Armaggedon, I want to be the first person to say, “Let’s blank like there’s no tomorrow.”

(then I thought of it this way)

If you had a friend who was psychic, it’d be intimidating to hear them say “Let’s blank like there’s no tomorrow.”

(Regardless of which is funnier, I’m still disgusted with myself as a human being.)

Moment of Clarity #30

Monday, July 17th, 2006

The letter “R” is very important. Without it i’d end up saying things like…

“gil, i want to touch you beasts.”

Don’t Blow the Job!

Friday, July 14th, 2006

I came home last night (3am) to someone getting a blowjob on the stoop next to mine. It was not inconspicuous by any means. A man sitting on the stairs with a woman kneeling in front of him. His hands clasped around her bouncing head. I mean I am assuming here so I apologize.

My favorite part was when they saw me coming. The guy saw me coming and I guess he gestured to the woman to stop moving. Her head was still but they were still in the exact same position. Yes, that’s gonna fool me. That is what is gonna make me rethink the fact that you’re receiving fellatio in public. Her just keeping her head still.

“Oh my God!! Is that what I think it is. She is totally sucking his…wait a minute. Her head isn’t moving anymore. Hmm, well I guess I was wrong. They must just be playing Scattergories on the street. At 3am. With her head is his lap. Scattergories. Yeah.”

You’re not allowed to be embarrased once you’ve commited to that. That’s a brave thing to do. I mean you can’t just pause everytime someone walks by. Shove it in their face. I mean not literally. Don’t shove it in their face. I mean her face is already being shoved. I mean don’t apologize. Celebrate it. Cuz really you guys are oral sexing it up on the street! Wow. I’m coming home alone to my little room to blog about it. Yup, I feel fulfilled. Its a good thing tears are a great sleeping pill.

An Old Joke.

Friday, July 7th, 2006

A tourist goes to Mexico with a tourist group, but finds himself separated from them. The only thing he knows is that he’s supposed to meet with his group at the church in the middle of town at 6:30pm to go back to the hotel. Like an idiot, he didn’t bring a watch with him. So he walks up to a man sitting on the edge of the road with a donkey standing next to him

“Excuse me…uh…habla ingles?”

“Si.”

“Oh good. Do you know what time it is?”

The man sitting in the road grabs the donkey’s balls and lifts them, “well sir, it’s 5:15pm”

The tourist walks away dumbfounded and disturbed, but strangely impressed. He wanders around the town a bit longer but doesn’t go too far so as not to get lost and makes his way back over to the man in the street. “Excuse me again. Can I get the time?”

The man grabs the donkey’s balls, lifts them, “it’s 6:20.”

“I’m sorry, but how is it you can tell time by fondling that donkey’s junk?”

“Well you grab the donkey’s balls like THIS…you lift them like THIS…and you see that clock over there?”