Archive for April, 2006

A Few Joke Ideas.

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006

After doing some colleges and some road gigs I am officially tired of the majority of my material. Its very very nice to know that i can do 45-60 minutes and keep people interested the entire time, but now its time to start over. Here’s a few ideas I’ve been having…

You think anyone plays the Harlem Globetrotters and takes themselves way to seriously? There’s a team in their locker room at half time and they’re geting ripped into…”DAMMIT! We are 0 and 550! You guys have to start playing some defense! I don’t care if they’re bouncing it off their heads and shooting basket with their buttchecks. We’re getting our asses handed to us by courtroom antics! Now get out there and act like you are the Washington Generals!!”

I’ve been seeing political messages in strange places lately. A weird one was in Disneyland when i went there for Christmas with my family. We rode on the It’s a small world afterall ride listening to that hypnotic song in many different languages when we found ourselves in a section of it with no music. This section was ransacked. Houses were ripped apart. Dolls were knocked over with broken heads. You could see the little elctric impulse in their throats light up to the rhythm of the song. I was like “what is this?” It was very disturbing. We get to the end of the section and then a banner falls that says “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” I get it. Random, but I get it.

I don’t know what it is in some people (I think its genetic) that makes them not admit when they are falling asleep. They will just not own up to it. “You’re falling asleep” “No, i’m just resting my eyes.” “Yes I know. That’s called sleeping.” Its the only thing I know of where people will state the definition of what they are doing as evidence that that aren’t doing it. “Did you pee in the bed?” “No, i just relieved myself in the place in which I slumber.” “Did you eat all my cookies?” “No, I just devoured and ingested your delicious supply of secret baked goods.” “Are you in love with a stripper?” “No, I’m just enamored of a woman who makes her livelihood as an exotic dancer.” These are usually the smae people who won’t admit when they are drunk. If someone said to you “You’re Drunk” its because you just did something really drunk to deserve that comment. If someone said it to you when you were just sitting down minding your own business, they’re drunk.

Answer: Me.

Saturday, April 22nd, 2006

Question: who stayed up to 3am watching Yo Momma on MTV?

I could NOT get to sleep. My sleeping schedule is all mixed up because of all the travelling I’ve been doing. After a great show last night, I got back here to my friends place and sat on the couch staring at the idiot box hoping that my eyes would fade. It didn’t happen. Especialy since there was an amazing show on TV which, as we all know, is a stunning sociological study about how ugly, fat, stupid or poor one’s Momma may happen to be.

Hosted by the inimitable Wilmer Valderrama this show is a slapdash haberdash flash cash stab at the age old artform of the dozens or cappin’ or its scientific name “Yo Momma Jokes.”

I wish I could say its an American artform like that of Jazz or Stand Up, but it has been around for ages. There is documentation all the way back to Ancient Greece recorded in certain dialogues of Socrates “Yo Momma is so fat, getting her from here to Sparta is Apollo’s part time job,” and “Yo Momma is so fat, she wore the Parthenon for a belt…yeah, she ruined it! Get it she ruined it!” Also, in some of the poetry of Homer, “Yo Momma is so ugly I sent her on a date with a cyclops and he came back with no eyes. I said what happened he said I just couldn’t take it anymore!!”

Also evidence in the Roman empire “Yo Momma is so ugly, she’s the reason Bacchus drinks!” “Yo Momma is so dirty, she rents out her pockets as a Vomitorium.”

…also in Indian Culture, “Yo Momma is so ugly, Vishnu grew his other arms just to slap the bitch!”

…early Christianity, “Yo Momma is so ugly and dirty, she went to get Baptized and someone had to save Jesus!”

…Elizabethan England, “Thy mother’s breath is so foul, a fortnight was defined by how long one would pass out after receiving it into their nostrils. TWO WEEKS BITCH!”

…South America, “Yo Momma is so fat and gross, she farted and the Incas disappeared”

…to Puritan New England, “Yo Momma is so ugly, we burned her as a witch and the bitch looked better! The fire jumped off of her it was like Fuck This!”

…and of course to the present era MTV show. Honestly, I’m surprsed the show isn’t on the History Channel or Discovery because of the historcal relevance of the subject matter.

Anyway, here’s a few jokes I literally dreamed last night…

“Yo Momma is so ugly her driver’s license looks like Mr Potato Head with all the parts in the wrong place.”

“Yo Momma is so fat people thought they heard Stomp doing a show in the street but it was just her ass and stomach rolls banging together.”

“Yo momma is so ugly she makes silence scream.”

Here’s some of my all time favorites…

Yo Momma is so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell.”

“Yo Momma is so old, her Social Security Number is 1.”

“Yo Momma is so poor she can’t afford to pay attention.”

“Yo Momma is so fat, she sat on a quarter and a booger squeezed out George Washington’s nose.”

And my favorite of all time…

“Yo Momma is so old and so fat, that when God said Let There Be Light, he really said Bitch, move your fat ass out the way”

Upstate Bitches…

Friday, April 21st, 2006

My month has been absolutely crazy. I’ve been travelling around this lovely country attending to comedy and family tragedy. I’ve gone from NYC to Pittsburgh to NYC To Vermont to NYC to LA to NYC to Las Vegas to NYC to Syracuse, NY where I’m currently doing some college shows with compadre Josh Grosvent.

So I haven’t blogged because I haven’t really been around computers lately. Forgive me? Trust me, I have plenty of ideas and little quirky thing to write, but I need some SPACE!! You people are SUFFOCATING ME! All 5 of you that read this. DEMANDING my mental genius to be spilled onto the web! How dare you? No. This is all me. I shan’t blame you for my own shortcomings.

The Old Man Saga Continues…

Wednesday, April 12th, 2006

I found out I have quite the prestigious reader (http://saraschaefer NULL.com) of my blog so it motivated me to write.

First off I had a great set last night at Poker Night (http://myspace NULL.com/pokernightnyc) hosted by Jack Kukoda and Dustin D’Addato featuring Sara Schaefer, Becky Yamamoto, Kurt Braunohler, Katherine Bryant and Elephant Larry. Also ran into Shayna Ferm and Sven Wechsler who came with me to Galapagos where I had a “quit comedy” night.

ANYWAY, THE OLD MAN DOWNSTAIRS IS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.

I didn’t think he would be seeing how he had moved on to grabbing me when he was trying to talk to me. I arrived back in my apartment at 5:30am on Sunday morning after getting off a flight from LA. I walked into my apartment to see my roommate wide awake with some friends of his having a small bday celebration. I was surprised to see numerous people that were awake. I went to bed.

A few hours later there is a pounding on my floor like the old man was crucifying something by nailing it to his ceiling. Then the door buzzer would ring for long periods of time. I assumed he wanted to give us a taste of what he felt. Pound pound pound. Buzz buzz buzz. For a man that claims to be old and frail he sure has a lot of energy to get up on a chair pound very hard then go to the hallway to buzz our door then rinse and repeat.

My roommate admitted to me later that there were two people at his party that were particularly loud. I just love though that the old man equates all noise in the apartment with me. I was out of town for 2 weeks, but he pounded on my ceiling with gumption like I had been personally peeing in his bed while I was on the other side of the country. I almost respect him. Too bad I’m gonna have to destroy him.

Random Celebrity Sightings / Thing only I would notice

Sunday, April 9th, 2006

After driving back from Pittsburgh after doing a week of kick ass shows, I was walking down 5th Ave at about 4:30ish and saw who I believed to be Robin Givens (http://www NULL.lollyland NULL.com/badd/robin/RGIVENS7 NULL.JPG). She was wearing a huge pair of sunglasses and i thought to myself “Damn! That black eye hasn’t healed yet?”

The next day I flew to Vermont to do a show at Middlebury college with the hilarious Brad Lowery and Sherrod Small (http://www NULL.sophiek NULL.com). On the way back to NYC the next day we see waiting to get on the smae JetBlue flight Mr. Luis Guzman of Boogie Nights fame. We said hello. I bet he was hoping not to get recognized.

Here are two things I recently noticed about…uh…things.
In the movie the Blues Brothers, the Bros go to a church where the preacher is none other than James Brown. There is a girl in the choir of that scene they keep cutting to, but she’s barely recognizable until i realized it was Chaka Khan.

I saw the video for the song “Word Up” by Cameo. First off…strange. Strange. Strange. However, I wanted to let you know that the premise of it is cops breaking into a club to stop the youthful party goings on there which is of course a major theme of the 80s. And who, you ask, plays the detective that leads the police into their Orwellian roles? Why, LeVar Burton, of course. All you sucka DJs…

Once at an audition I ran into a man named Taimak. This man played a role in a movie that shaped my childhood. Only, THE LAST DRAGON!!! BRUCE MOTHERFUCKING LEROY!!! YOU DON’T KNOW, BITCH!! THAT WAS BRUCE LEROY!!! I freaked out a little. Recently, I purchased the DVD of said film (not movie, film) and you know what young actor had a bit part in the film? Huh? Wanna know? Seriously, do you? What? Ok, I’ll tell you. William H. Macy.

Sometimes I have to say these pieces of random knowledge to free up space for more important things.

Why Hello

Sunday, April 9th, 2006

I’m back in NYC from LA and it feels good. I’ve got a lot to write about. Here are some of the upcoming witticisms…

Observations of LA

Random Celebrity Sightings (before I left)

Things Only I Would Notice

Happy Gilmore Supporting Cast Member

The Old Man Saga Continues…

and

The Death Defying Career Ruining LAX Airport Experience.

Of course these are more for me to remember what the hell I wanted to write about. So fret no more 5 people that read this, I have my computer again so partytime!!