Archive for March, 2006

Live from Aspen!!

Tuesday, March 7th, 2006

(This blog will also appear on the HBO Comedy Festival website (http://hbocomedyfestival NULL.com).)

Yo Yo Yo it’s Aspen!
The air is thin and I be graspin’
For a breath, yes I be claspin’
Up on my neck becuz its Aspen

People laughin’ toe tappin
They know what’s happenin’ they clappin’
cuz i funny like Chaplin

Hello! Today I arrived in Aspen, CO for the Festival and it has been an eventful morning. First off, I woke up at 6am for a flight at 8:05. I don’t like waking up early. I hate it more than anything else. Racism is second. So I hate waking up more than I hate hatred. If i had a racist boss that would point at my face and cal me the N Word daily, I’d be like “as long as you’re cool with me coming in at 1pm everyday, I don’t care what you call me.”

So i do a quick guy-pack meaning I have a white T for everyday, 3 pairs of pants, underwear for everyday, and 3 pairs of socks. That’s all I need. Anything else would be cumbersome. Besides, I was able to fit it all in a carry-on bag which made it possible for me to be at the gate about 5 minutes after i got to the airport.

I was roaming around, hoping I’d see some famliar faces then lo and behold I run into the other two comics on my flight. Let’s just say ther names rhyme with Benny Carcass and Gus Masleeve. We get on the flight and sit while the flight attendant went over the announcements. Actually, no she didn’t. She annouced that we should watch the video which would explain everything. Apparently the staff at an airline that rhymes with New Fighted are too good to show me how my seat belt works. I wondered to myself what happened to the young, cool, attractive attendants of the 70s and 80s? Then I realized, they are still there. They’re just in their 40s now.

The best part of her speech, however, was a flashback to the 3rd grade when she noticed that Gus Masleeve and Benny Carcass were talking to each other. She looked right at Benny and sternly said, “We ask that you please cease your conversation and pay attention.” Benny buried his face in his hands in shame.

Aaaaaaaand we’re off! In the air! Butterfly in the sky….I can fly twice as high…just take a look, its in a book…Comedy Festival. All was pleasant and the day was grand. Benny turned to me and said “It doesn’t make me feel good that if this plane goes down in the next 5 minutes, the last person I’m gonna see is you.” Yeah, we have a special bond. I was looking forward to having an empty seat next to me (I was in the aisle, empty seat, girl at window), but before we took off, the girl in my row called her friend who was at the back of the plane. Her friend moved up. She was a little something that rhymes with “stover date.” Not really big, but big enough that I had almost no arm and leg room. Benny later said to me, “Here’s a line you can use: I don’t know what was worse, the movie, or the ass of the lady next to me.”

The movie he referred to rhymes with “The Manly Home.” It starred Marah Skessica Larker, Duke Bilson, Turmot Fullmooney, and Hiane Geaton. Or their names rhymed with those. I think you get it. Um…it was depressing. Heartfelt, but a bummer.

We get to Denver to transfer to our flight to Aspen and there at the gate was a woman holding a sign with our names on it. She put us on a trolley that took us to the gate for the Aspen flight. Benny said, “This shows how stupid the industry thinks comics are, like we won’t be able to find the gate.” I said to Benny, “I think common sense tells us that a comic’s sense of geography is contigent on how many dick jokes they have.” I’m sure everyone in the airport watching us get a ride thought we were really special guys. I mean special like challenged special.

We wait for a while to get on the smallest plane I’ve ever been on. It was 9 rows!!
Like this…
row 9 – A B E D C
row 8 – A B _ D C
row 7 – A B _ D C
row 6 – A B _ D C
I was sitting in 9E!! I was all the way in the back in teh middle sitting next to fellow comedian Manny Devins (sounds like – ok! I know you got it! Stop yelling!). I was frightened. I have never paid more attention to the safety announcements in my life. I actually raised my hand and asked questions. The plane had propellors and everyone I talked to who had been to Aspen before told me about two mountains we had to fly through like we’d been punted by Vinateri up into goalposts. Never saw those posts. In fact, we we landed, I found it to be much much warmer than I expected. I was told it would be freezing. Everyone I told about Aspen would tell me something awesome about it followed by something to be physically afraid of…”Oh Man its so beautiful there – DRINK WATER!! YOU WILL DEHYDRATE AND YOUR EYES WILL EXPLODE!!! You should go ski or snowboard – WATCH FOR ROCKS AND MOUNTAIN LIONS!! THERE IS A HORRIBLE MOUNTAIN LION PROBLEM NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT!!!”

Now i’m here. Now it feels real. I perform tonight. Pray for me not to suck. Seriously. No, seriously, pray for my nonsuckiness.