Archive for February, 2006

SPIDER ON MY BED

Monday, February 6th, 2006

Spider on my bed!
Spider on my bed!
Good God Almighty there’s spider on my bed!

Yikes.

Monday, February 6th, 2006

below me lives a very mean old man.

above me lives a very nice old man.

i’m caught in an old man vortex!

old man vortex had a space/time continuum
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
and in this space/time continuun he had a black hole
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
with a nothing can escape it
not even light
here a hole
there a hole
everywhere a black hole
old man vortex had a space/time continuum
ee-eye-ee-eye-oh

i love the fact that the majority of people in this country first heard of the space/time continuun thanks to Doc from Back to the Future. Nice.

Seriously though. The guy downstairs thinks its my personal mission to make banging noises at 3 in the morning which isn’t true. There have been a few nights when i’ll drop something or knock something over in my sleep. But one noise a week isn’t a consistent banging every night. But try telling that to an angry old man who speaks no english except for the phrases “Too much noise!” “Please no more!” and of course everyone’s favorite hit “I call police!”

You know what? CALL ‘EM! I ain’t afraid, beeeeyatch! I’m secure enough in my negroninity (i mean this in the sense that someone would say they’re secure enough in their masculinity to say another guy is attractive) to talk to the police. I got nothing to hide. I’ll simply show them that I knocked over my marijuana smoking device or that one of my black market babies got out of its cage and they will look at me and say “Sorry we bothered you!” and I can get back to making my bomb then get some sleep. GOOD DAY, SIR!

What did I tell you?

Sunday, February 5th, 2006

Cable has a strange power over me.

Suddenly I find myself RIVETED by the Blockbuster smash Elektra.

Something is very wrong.

A Tid TIP Bit

Friday, February 3rd, 2006

I was just at my local bagel shop…

(Hi, I’m the section of this entry that will express ironic disbelief at the things Baron does so as to examine a cultural sterotype. So with that said….ahem….What!? Black guy eating bagels!? Next thing you know a Vietnamese guy will be talking about his love of knishes!)

…and I realized that when I’m at a place that has a tip jar, I will go out of my way to make sure someone sees me put money in the tip jar thus ensuring a pleasant interaction the next time I walk into that establishment.

(What?! A Black leaving tips!?)

I’ll stand there and clear my throat like an emphysemic choking on a piece of chicken…

(Chicken! I knew it they loved that stuff!)

…and once I have someone’s attention I raise my hand into the air and make a dramatic arm drop placing my money in the tip jar.

(Uh…um…jar! JAR!? Like a jar band! Which they have in the south! You know what else they have in the south? BLACK PEOPLE!)

Sometimes I’ll have a little turrets while doing it, “Thank you TIP for the wonderful TIP service. TIP see TIP ya TIP later.”

(I got nothing.)

The End…

Thursday, February 2nd, 2006

I HAVE CABLE!!!

CABLE!!!

CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE!!!
CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE!!!
CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE CABLE!!!

Its the end for me. I’m afraid my entire act and my entire blog are gonna be about nothing but my love of cable and things I see on cable. No one is gonna get what i’m saying.

“So I was watching the Sundance Channel the other day and boy, is it just me or do films made in Lithuania and Nothern California use the same cinematographer or what? Cuz seriously folks, the somehow grainy texture yet smooth consistency of the shots were way to similar to ignore! And don’t get me started on Color Relationships!”

“Tis Greek to me,” the audience would say. And I would say, “Wow, did you guys just quote Julius Caesar in one voice?” And then the conversation would stop becuase they’d realize I’m making references to shit no one knows but myself.

Here’s a joke ending with a bunch of references that CONFUSES the audience. We all know its great to confuse the person you are speaking to because really understanding each other is so overrated. Here’s this one section without the setup or the punch. As you curious to know the rest

“…at no point in this song does Martin Luther King swordfight a Dragon which then turns into Smurfs that can morph into tiny Slobodan Milosevic’s and Bishop Desmond Tutu’s to create the movie “White Nights 2: Electric Boogaloo…”