Archive for 2006

Christmas Eve Eve/ Someone to Watch

Sunday, December 24th, 2006

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.com/x/blogger/1255/960/1600/280467/953513031_m NULL.jpg)I got a phone call about 11:30 on friday night.
“Baron?”
“Hey!”
“I’m in Vegas.”

For those of you who do not know, Las Vegas is my hometown and I’m here for the holidays. I was chillin out maxin, relaxin all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school when I got this call. A friend of mine, the lovely and talented Tracie Thoms was on her way back to Baltimore from LA with a connecting flight through Vegas. Her flight was 45 minutes late getting to Vegas thus she missed her connecting flight home. The next flight wasn’t until 4:30 the next afternoon.

I stayed on the phone with Tracie while she narrated her journey on the shuttle from the airport to her “hotel.” The Super 8 Motel. Now when you’re in Vegas and you hear the word hotel, you might get a little excited. This was – how do you say – a kick to the balls. Yeah that seems to capture it. Needless to say, tracie was taken aback by how “real” everything was. Oh Indeed. That was the word she kept using “real.”

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.com/x/blogger/1255/960/1600/732381/00382 NULL.jpg)She went into the casino next door to the Super 8, Ellis Island, which is a small place right behind the strip. Behind the Bally’s And Caesar’s Palace. Its a part of Vegas that lives in the shadows of what you see on TV and in the movies. For a reason. Tracie narrated her journey into Ellis Island continuously reiterating how “real” everything was. There were a lot of bikers in the bar singing karaoke. By the way, when I say bikers, the stereotypical image you had in your head? Worse than that. Tracie decided not to stay and sing her showstopping rendition of “Free Bird.”

Tracie found something in her room that was very telling. They gave her a care package of pills that prevent hangovers called Chasers, eye drops to prevent red and skin conditioner. Not Soap. Skin Conditioner. Apparently it’s a post shower cream to put on your skin. Yeah, it was confusing to me too. Its somewhere between soap and lotion. With those items the hotel is assuming a lot about why you’re there.

“Hey come on in! So we got you some things for the reason you’re probably here. That’s right!! we got you Chasers to cure the hangover you’ll get from your current drunken daze, drops for those weed soaked 4am eyes, and skin conditioner so your wife won’t be able to detect the smell of that street skank whose bottom lip you’re chewing on. Leave a tip!!”

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.com/x/blogger/1255/960/1600/416956/1013128332_m NULL.jpg)Tracie is on the rise. She’s a dynamic performer that you may have seen on TV in “Cold Case,” and the hilarious but short lived “Wonderfalls.” She’s currently working on Quentin Tarantino’s new movie, was in “The Devil Wears Prada,” and played Joanne in the movie version of Rent. She’s a focused individual on and off stage and can only be described as a force. I mean the woman went to Howard and Juilliard so she got the chops. Razor sharp.

So you 6 people that read this. Go and support Tracie.

Oh yeah…Check out this video. It’s like a messed up Rat Pack. Its the brainchild of Trevor Moore from the Whitest Kids You Know.

Played by a Drumstick

Thursday, December 21st, 2006

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.com/x/blogger/1255/960/1600/217135/KFC%20Logo%20High%20Quality NULL.jpg)OK OK OK. This is my favorite new commercial. Really people, watch commercials. You will learn so much about where our interests as a culture lie. Or at least you’ll see what the “big wigs” think we care about which most of the time become true since we were told they were. (end diatribe). In a KFC commercial, a black family (you know they just looove their chicken) passes around a bucket at a dinner table. The youngest son sitting there overshadowed by his older brothers and parents watches them take out pieces of chicken and says to himself, “Don’t take the drumstick.” He says it again hoping that someone, anyone will leave him that most coveted part of the foul. Of course, he sees someone take out the 2nd drumstick and deflates with defeat. The bucket gets to him moments later and his mother pulls out (wait for it) a DRUMSTICK! She places it on the boy’s plate and he exclaims with happiness “Another drumstick?!” He. Is. Dumbfounded. His mother smiles as if to say I got your back and says, “Special Bucket.” Something like that. OH FRABJOUS DAY! CALLOO CALLAY! He chortled in his joy.

HA! My first thought was don’t eat that! That came from a MUTANT chicken with 3 legs!! You were right! There should have only been 2 drumsticks, but no, that bucket is special. Knowing the practices of KFC, I’d be relieved if it was a 3 legged chicken. That would be the least altered thing they have on their farm/factory/slaughterhouse/laboratory. Most likely the leg came from a genetically altered chicken that was nothing but legs. Just a meaty legged deformity with limbs coming out all sides making it look like a feathered tetrahedron. No head. No wings. Just legs. Eyes embedded in one of the legs and a slit that works as a mouth. It makes only one sound and its not a cluck by any means. Just a shrill high pitched shriek. A sound akin to a bomb dropping in a cartoon, or a imprisoned banshee locked in a withered castle 2 miles north of Glasgow, or a shitty car with a shitty engine driving down a ghetto street at 3am making everyone sit right up in their bed thinking their time has come. When the noise of the “chicken” hits the ears of any other being it makes them think “My God! Hell is on earth and I am burning!”

After a week of rolling from limb to limb questioning its own existense after having realized that it looks nothing like any thing else around (they’re all aberrations – veritable snowflakes of malformation), it sees something its never seen before. A man. Towering over the mutant in red boots and a red apron. Both of which did not come in the color of red. Oh no, they turned that color in time due to his line of work. And what’s that in his hand? Its oh so shiny…and thin. CHOP. Suddenly the prism of drumsticks line up. After the leg that functioned as the head is separated and fed to the 5 winged chicken breast sloth which sweats sugar, the other pieces are shipped away to be served to the complacent public.

Its just a wild guess, but when the word Special is uttered, make sure to get a very clear definition.

and i’m back!!!

Tuesday, December 19th, 2006

I’m at home in vegas right now for the holidays. Chillin out maxin relaxin all cool and all getting familiar with my new laptop that i’ll never EVER lose. word

this is a section from a documntary a comedian i know named Steve Stover is making check it out

Well…

Thursday, December 14th, 2006

My laptop was stolen recently. On the road to getting a new one. Stay tuned.

Moment of Clarity #35

Sunday, December 3rd, 2006

Its not that I like giving money to the homeless as much as it is that I like to see the guilt in the faces of the people that don’t give.

Maybe…

Tuesday, November 28th, 2006

if i went to bed sometimes before 2 in the morning, I wouldn’t find the Sun such a God forsaken intrusion on my slumber. “Damn Helios!!! Tyra and I were naked in a pool of jello together! Now I’ll never know the 3rd act of my dream!”

What I’m Watching Right Now…

Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.com/blogger/1255/960/1600/003_RAPIDFIRP%7ERapid-Fire-Posters NULL.jpg)HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

Live Life like is was Life Like

Sunday, November 12th, 2006

(http://photos1 NULL.blogger NULL.com/blogger/1255/960/1600/p_triportie_l_b NULL.jpg)I saw an ad for the new Bose headphones on the subway today pictured to the left. These fit comfortably in your ear and have “life like sound.” How appropriate. If I was walking through a crowded street, I could put on these headphones, turn my iPod to the track “Street Sounds” and have real “life like” sounds around me. So much more “life like” then the sounds that are like life. THANK GOD I’ve got an effective way to drown out everything around me and really plunge deeper into the self isolation that New York makes you crave with “life like” sound. Taking in the streets and people around me is just WAY TOO MUCH for me and my hearing. I’ve already mastered physically and emotionally avoiding any sort of situation. Now my dulling of my senses is almost complete. If only there were sunglasses that showed “life like” high definition digital pictures on them while I walked down the street, then I could take in almost nothing. I wouldn’t have to see, hear, touch or feel anything around me. OH sounds like a dream come true. Hooray!! Yippee! Huzzah!

Now if there was only something I could do about smells.

Maine and back

Friday, November 10th, 2006

I’m in Maine. Maine. Orono, Maine.

Its nice up here. The air is clean. I live in New York so its very odd for me to be in a place where the air does not always smell faintly like pee or worse. Also it was interesting to see that from Portland up to here every public restroom is bigger and cleaner than any NYC apartment under $5000 a month. Back in New York on Sunday.

Come to this show on Tuesday if you dare…

“Shades of Black”
Tuesday Nov 14 @9:30pm
Mo Pitkins – 34 Ave A between 3rd/2nd St
Elon James White, Michelle Buteau, Larry Bailey and Baron Vaughn do long sets.
Word.

I Voted…

Wednesday, November 8th, 2006

I did my little part to loosen that diabolic stranglehold that conservatives so obviously have over New York. Now I wait and watch and the Senate results come in.