Archive for 2005

i hope this makes women even more self concious about their bodies

Wednesday, July 20th, 2005

When i’m on the subway and i see a girl with a short skirt on i think
“Mmm. I can’t wait to get behind her on the exit stairs”

A good line for something.

Wednesday, July 20th, 2005

A good line for a script of some sort.

“Yeah you’re not really judgemental because you’re so egoccentric. It’s hard to criticize others when you only talk about yourself.”

When Oh When?

Sunday, July 17th, 2005

A lof of cab drivers live in my neighborhood. I’ve been seeing more and more cabs parked in front of place late at night and into the day. I’ve been waiting for this to happen…

DRIVER
Where are you going?

ME
Um…I’m going to Queens, 30th St and Broadway in Astoria?

DRIVER
No Way! That is where I live!

ME
Oh?

DRIVER
Yes! We are neighbors! We are friends now!

ME
Uh…

DRIVER
Yes! We must go for coffee during day and play the basketball, eh?

ME
I…

DRIVER
HAHA! We are now best of friends. You come over we play X-Box?

ME
Not sure if that would be a good idea.

DRIVER
Why not? I am neighbor! We have good fun time together. Hey, you must meet my daughter. She is beautiful. She is just at right age to be married. She make you good wife!

ME
Whoa whoa whoa…I’m not marrying anyone just yet – gotta picture?

DRIVER
Yes! Here. Here is picture. Beatiful yes.

ME
What the…?! This girl is like 15!!

DRIVER
13, but give her some time and she will be ripe for marriage, eh? Know what I mean ripe?

ME
Yo, man, you’re talking about your own daughter!

DRIVER
What is problem? She is woman! Woman have needs! I am modern man: I can not deny this.

ME
Dude, just take me where I want to go.

DRIVER
HEY! I know where fuck you live!

ME
What?

DRIVER
Where you live! I know where you live! You don’t fuck with me! I come and find you and cut off balls with shank and give them to my daughter as necklace.

ME
Come to think of it, X-Box is quite relaxing. And your daughter is quite the looker.

DRIVER
She is gorgeous, my friend.

ME
That’s what I meant: gorgeous. So grown up for her age.

DRIVER
You make me happy, friend neighbor! Hey, I no charge you for this. I’ll say I was going home. You come for dinner yes?

ME
Now? Tonight?

DRIVER
Where did I put shank?

ME
Of course i’m coming. Looking forward to it.

DRIVER
Good! Can not wait to show my wife her new son in law!

Yes the last post was long…

Sunday, July 17th, 2005

Deal with it. Its over now. Anyway, I seem to have 10 days left until I do my one man show. IN a world littered with one person shows, I can only hope mine will be remotely interesting.

Read about it. (http://www NULL.midtownfestival NULL.org/plays NULL.html) Even though this isn’t what its about.

Here’s the schedule. (http://www NULL.midtownfestival NULL.org/studio NULL.html) The 30th and 31st have been cancelled.

Get a ticket. (http://www NULL.smarttix NULL.com/show NULL.aspx?showcode=ACT1) Yes, I said you gotta get tickets. Pay up, son!

Goin Strong

Thursday, July 14th, 2005

Since Saturday I’ve had a very interesting comedy schedule. Here’s a little diary of it all. Warning: I will name drop a bunch of comics.

On Saturday
I meet fellow comic Jen Dziura (http://jenisfamous NULL.com/blog NULL.html) to talk about comedy over food at a place in the East Village called Dojo. We seem to hit it off pretty well and talked about many different thing indeed. I convince her to go to a 12:30am show at Gotham Comedy Club (http://www NULL.gothamcomedyclub NULL.com) where we end up seeing Lenny Marcus, Robin Montague, Russ Meneve and Dwayne Perkins. Great show. The crowd was huge. It was 12:30am on a saturday and the place was packed. I was surprised that the staff at Gotham recognized me and knew my name. My ego rested at proper size.

Sunday
Went to the Pro Shop at Sin Sin. I got there late so I missed the great talent of Mizzes Rachel Feinstein and Karith Foster. Eric Kirchberger was on stage when I walked in and the audience was loving him. I noticed that Ms. Dziura was there in the audience with her boyfriend. I had mentioned the show to her and quite pleased that she has come. I sat with the comics and watched them go over there notes. Well only Ophira (http://www NULL.ophiraeisenberg NULL.com) was. Dan Newbower sat patiently waiting to close the show and Blaine Perry waited at the bar for he was next. The show ended with a Lukewarm response to Mr. Newbower’s set which was surprising to me because the first time I saw him I howled. I was happy he was there because I had been wanting to give him more stage time. The audience got strangely sensitive toward the end of the night and took it out on Dan. Fuck ‘em I say. Afterwards, I chatted outside with Jen, Ophira, Dan and Elon until the luscious Rachel (http://lustylady NULL.blogspot NULL.com) Kramer (http://funnyboysandgirls NULL.blogspot NULL.com) Bussel (http://www NULL.rachelkramerbussel NULL.com) came over with some cupcakes. I ended up walking Rachel to the L train and riding out to Williamsburg with her (I was meeting a friend). The surprise of the night was James Smith an Australian comic on his way to Montreal for the festival. He was brilliant.

Monday
Ripple Bar. Ripple has become a difficult crowd. They still like me though. Maybe because they liked me before they were jaded. The regulars seem to think the show is about hating the comics now and they intimidate the new audience member’s from reacting. Mr. Larry Bailey was strong as usual. Ray Rivera was first. Lukewarm response. Then my friend Josh Grosvent. He did not have his guitar which he usually uses and did straight stand up. That’s when the hatred really started. Needless to say he was a little shaked afterwards. Then a gentle named Remy got up and played with the crowd a bit which they loved but then he started his material and they stared at him. That’s when I realized that audience had become arrogant and expected the show to be about them the entire time. The wanted continous crowd work and nothing else. Elon went up and did crowd work and some material. He did quite well. Then Roger Hailes closed out the show. He committed to his ideas and premises and the crowd eventually came with him. I took the train back with Mike Cotayo, Josh and my friend Chanelle and we talked about what the deal is with that room now. I said the room used to be great, but now that its commonplace, people take it for granted. It was confusing for us because it was like a couple fighting. The audience wanted something else and we wanted it to be like the good ol days. Indeed. The only real laughs I got were at the end when I thanked the audience at the end for “making this a Stand Up tragedy Show. I know a lot of you were waiting for my to poke out my eyes. Fuck you.” They laughed. I still regard it as a bomb.

Tuesday
Jen Dziura calls me saying she has tickets for the Daily Show and do I want to go. FUCK YEAH! Wem meet up at 3:30ish and wait in line for 2 and a half hours (This is after Jen had already been on a waiting list for 6 months). They open the doors and herd us into a small holding room. Quite claustrophobic indeed. On the way in, I notice Todd Levin (http://www NULL.tremble NULL.com) and salute him. He salutes back. After a 20 minutes wait in the holding room, we are let into the studio. To watch the show. Drew Fraser warm up the audience. He is the warm up man. Every TV comedy taping I’ve been to, he is the warm up man. When I went to see Premium Blend and the HBO tapings, he was there. he introduces Mr. Jon Stewart who take and Q&A session and riffs with the audience for a bit. Jon Stewart simply is fucking hilarious. the show begins. Quite a surreal post modern experience. Even though we are actually i nthe studio with the real Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert not far from us, most people end up watching the TV monitors hanging from the ceiling that show was is going to be broadcast. It was realer to us to watch the TV even though were were at the real event. Also, there were no bad seats. Everyone had a clear view on Jon and the TV’s were far away enough that he looked the same in person and on the box. Interesting indeed. Tv was realer than the real. Only in 2005.
I ruch to Williamburg afterwards for my show. Feeling good about some material i had written that day we start the show. I get a few laughs but nothing special. I regard it as a bomb. However, Dante Nero, Karith Foster, Benari Poulten, Susan Prekel and Roger Hailes destroyed. I think it was our 2nd best show there. The audience could not get enough of Susan Prekel. They would have followed her into the bowels of Hades after her set. HADES!

Wednesday
The Cobble Hill show. It was intense. The crowd responded well to most of the comics. Particularly, Dan Allen and James Smith who I thought would have not been well received by an all black crowd. The previous show could be considered the “Chitlin Circuit.” So the space was actually double booked with our comic and theirs. I went on last and completely tanked. I went over like the Hindenburg (http://www NULL.vidicom-tv NULL.com/tohiburg NULL.htm) full of anvils and the Weight Watcher’s initiation clogging party during a hurricane in the alps. The only other comic who suffered the same fate was Michelle Buteau who was unlucky enough to follow Roz G who ripped that audience a new one. I bombed. Benari showed up at the end of the show and we walked outside because I didn’t want to have to face the audience. Dan Allen and I drove back to Queens and talked over a late night Diner Dinner.

SO I bombed/tanked/died three nights in a row. Lovely.

I hope the government doesn’t google the word bomb and end up at my door to ask questions. Still, it would feel better than last night.

my grandmother just said this to me…

Monday, July 11th, 2005

“I remember when I first saw you and I said that’s a big head. That’s a grown man’s head. You grew into that head. That’s how I knew you’d have some brains.”

I love my grandmother.

Moment of Clarity #13 (short sketch)

Sunday, July 10th, 2005

There must have been a time in the lives of Jim Henson and Frank Oz when their friends would ask them to say stupid shit in the voices of Kermit or Yoda.

FRIEND
Ooh Ooh Frank! Say um…say “You spilled ketchup on my sequin shirt and you’ve ruined it” as Yoda!

FRANK (as Yoda)
Ketchup you have spilled on my sequin shirt. Ruined it you have.

FRIEND
SHIT THAT IS FUNNY! Hey hey, Jim, say “Miss Piggy likes to get freaky in the bedroom.”

JIM
No, I don’t want to. This is stupid.

FRIEND
Come on, Jim, don’t be a fag!

JIM
I told you no!

FRIEND
DON’T BE A CANDY ASS PUSSY, JIM!

FRANK
Yeah, Jim. I just did Yoda.

JIM
Fine. (as Kermit) “Miss Piggy is a freak in the bedroom…”

FRIEND
She likes whips and chains…

JIM
“…she likes whips and chains…”

FRIEND
And a finger up her porky ass…

JIM
Oh come on! I’m not saying that!

FRIEND and FRANK
DO IT!

Jim
“…and a…and a finger up her porky ass.”

FRIEND
HAHAHAHAHA! Dammit that is hilarious. You guys have given a new purpose for my life. You know what? Lunch is on me.

The funniest thing in New York…

Friday, July 8th, 2005

As pointed out by my good friend Brendan Hughes (http://www NULL.brendanhughes NULL.com), the funniest thing in New York right now is in Union Square. There’s a big sign right above the Virgin Megastore that’s purpose was to count down the days, hours, minutes, seconds until the Olympic’s City Decision (which conviently replaced a sign that showed the growing national debt). For the past few days it has read “00.00.00.00″ HAHAHA! That is comedy! When you see it, point at it and laugh! Had a good Guffaw at Bloomberg! Do the same when you see one of those sign that says “There will be friends and friends of friends to guide you.” Point and yell “No There won’t!! HAHAHA!! I wouldn’t doubt if there’s a sick part in Mikey’s brain going “Bombings in London? Maybe the commitee will change their minds.”

Note: The last line is no way making fun of the events in London, but rather the mayor’s obsession with getting the Olympics. I just wonder how high on his list of priorities the games are. I ask the question is he holding up his two hands like scales going “Hmm. Tragic loss of human life…me getting my games…loss of life…games”

Ugh. Heimer.

Thursday, July 7th, 2005

I just saw a roach in my kitchen. I haven’t seen a roach in a long time. It was the same experience as the feeling you would have if you had grown up around a crazy kid who annoyed you but always thought he was your best friend and he tracked you down 10 years later and 3000 miles away and demanded to be in your life again. WHY?!?! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME!?!?

Moment of Clarity #12

Thursday, July 7th, 2005

The subway has been around for 100 years; people still fall over when the train starts moving.