Archive for 2005

Stories of Taxicabs and Such

Saturday, August 20th, 2005

I was watching HBO the other day and they had on “Taxicab Confessions” which is a show where people spill their guts to a chatty cab driver while hidden cameras soak up the whole thing. It was the New York edition which was hilarious to me. I mean if you get in a cab in New York and you have an American driver that speaks perfect English doesn’t that tell you something is amiss?

I’ve been taking a lot of cabs lately so I wanted to start a new series of stories where I share some of my cab experiences.

I’ve been out late a lot recently. I hate it. I don’t wanna take the train that late because the wait is unbearable and i’m afraid i’ll fall asleep standing and wake up on the tracks. So I do this magical thing called taking a cab home. Its magical because it turns 20 dollars in my wallet to 3. Ooooh. Aaaaaah.

Most of the time I can usually fool a yellow cab into taking me home late at night, but sometimes I’ll be leaving home and i end up in a Gypsy Cab. For my non NYC readers let me explain…a Gypsy Cab is usually a run down vehicle or a town car in which the driver makes up a exhorbitant price to take you somewhere he doesn’t know how to get to.

I once was running late to a gig in Crown Heights, Brooklyn so I hopped in a Gypsy cab with friend and cohort Josh Grosvent (http://www NULL.thisisjoshua NULL.com). We went from Queens to Brooklyn, but something felt wrong. The driver asked what street I was going to and I said Eastern Parkway. So he became fixated on finding Eastern Parkway not realizing that streets are long and can go across a whole city. Finding one part of it doesn’t really get me to where I wanna go. “Yeah driver, just any part of that road will do. Doesn’t matter where. You know what? Anyway part of a road that has a similar name will do.” Josh and I knew something was wrong when he got on the Long Island Expressway and we passed Shea Stadium. Once again, for you non-New Yorkers, its like if you were in Louisiana and wanted to go to Florida, but you were headed toward Pennslyvania and you see the Liberty Bell and are like “huh?” (look at a fucking map)

So we’re in a part of NY we’ve never been to and do not know. Josh and I are looking around seeing people wearing burquas and parkas. It was very confusing. Street signs aren’t even words just cave drawings of mythical beasts shot up with arrows and spears. We have no clue where we are. The cab driver finally asks someone directions which he didn’t understand so the nice (but frustrated) man said, “Just follow me. I’m going that way!”

So we finally got to where we were going after being taken a half an hour out of our way. The best part though is being charged $30 to get lost. I paid it. I didn’t want to argue. I just wanted to get out that nasty hot ass cab and get to a place where everybody knows my name and they’re always glad I came. So the moral of the story is…well, there is no moral…just FUCK Gypsy Cabs!

Planet X

Wednesday, August 17th, 2005

So they found another planet in our solar system. A 10th planet! Of course, that ignites the debate of if Pluto is a planet or not as we all know and have discussed voraciously with friends, neighbors, clergy and town officials. I mean its just common sense. Mike Brown (who has an asteroid named after him – don’t worry someone else named it after him not himself you judgemental bastard) discovered the planet and nicknamed it “Xena.” Yes as in “warrior princess.” When asked why, he said the show was his favorite when he started the search and that females are under-represented in planetary nomenclature. Yes, Mike Brown, what better way to excite and involve women in the solar system than naming a planet after a mythic lesbian warrior that had a show on FOX? Good going!! I guess the women that actually did watch Xena are probably the same 10 women that are interested in the 10th planet. The only other suitable female names are Oprah and Hilary. Either of those would have passed with flying colors. Not Condoleeza though. That’s a constellation. Don’t know why, but that’s funny.

Oh Shit. Time to get Raw.

Friday, August 12th, 2005

A gross metaphor from last night. I was hanging out with actor, Eric Anderson and comedian Eric Thomas and for some reason we were talking about having the runs (probably because we were standing in McDonald’s) and I was saying that I have amazing sphincter control and I can hold the runs until I get home, but once i get home to a toilet I recognize (here it is) its like someone blowing a trumpet full of chocolate milk. Then I mimed the trumpet and made trumpet sounds. Yeah, you’re never gonna think about Jazz and Nestle Quick in the same way again.

Since I ate McD’s last night I needed to go this morning. I went to the Sheraton Hotel today and I went to the men’s room. It was a lot grosser than I expected so I used my aformentioned skill until I got home (Sphincter Powers Activate!). But while I was in there I looked at the bathroom door and in very loving letters was written “Give a Nigger a Job, He Fucks it up Everytime.” I hope he was talking about Condoleeza! Oh! My favorite thing though was that it was written a few times on various places of the door which could mean a variety of things.

1) Someone rubbed off the older ones because they could write it better.
2) The older ones faded naturally and someone decided to write it again so it could be passed down to younger generations.
3) The original author scrubbed them himself because he was disappointed with the way the letters turned out or didn’t feel the message was really their in the earlier drafts. Or…
4) They wanted to make sure you really understood what was being said so they wrote it multiple times for emphasis like a piece of poetry or an expressionist word painting.

Regardless of the reason, I thought to myself does the women’s room have stuff like this up? You never hear about weird racist or sexist shit written on the female bathroom walls. Maybe the occasional “Jenny’s a slut” but never “For a good time call Earl” or “Niggers and Spics have too many kids!” In my experience, when a women feels a degree of racism, they go have sex with someone of that race. Some of my best relationships started that way. I guess the moral of the story is I’m doing my part to end racism, one vagina at a time. So when you see me with a white girl, give my a thumbs up or pat on the back and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!”

Any thoughts ladies?

Moment of Clarity # 17 and #18

Monday, August 8th, 2005

17
People who say “You don’t know me! You don’t know anything about me!” are people that nobody really wants to know about.

18
Chivalry is not dead. However, it is on life support in a hospital in New Jersey. See, it opened a door for a few neighborhood ruffians and one said “What? You trying to say I’m a woman, ya punk bitch!” Shot’s were fired. Chivalry is not dead, but it’s on its last leg. As little as 5 cents a day can help. As much as you would pay for a cup of coffee in the 50′s can help Chivalry get back on its feet and be fully alive again.

Oh really?

Thursday, August 4th, 2005

Oh really lady sitting next to me on the subway? My arm accidentally hits you once and that makes you feel uneasy? I got news for you. IT’S THE FUCKING SUBWAY AND ITS RUSH HOUR! THERE’S NO ROOM FOR PERSONAL SPACE!

I think its funny when people get offended. It’s such a pointless and cliche’ emotion. Also a bit outdated. Someone telling me they’re offended by something is like them telling me they just crossed the country on a pogo stick: I don’t really see why because there’s no real reason, but I guess you had something to prove to youself and you wanted attention. Its pointless and whimsical. It’s like someone telling me they woke up early this morn to churn the butter for Jedediah so that he may be strong to raise the barn and so God will be with him when he goes into town. I find it “cute.”

PS.
One of my favortie places in New York is the Southeast corner of Central Park. I love that strech of 59th street because its full of expensive hotels and posh people desperately trying to ignore the rancid stench of horse shit in the air.

It’s Here

Thursday, July 28th, 2005

www.baronvaughn.com (http://www NULL.baronvaughn NULL.com)

Beautiful.

Knowledge, Bitches!! / Moment of Clarity #16

Thursday, July 28th, 2005

Here’s a few books that I’ve recently read or am currently reading that’ll shake up how you think about some things.

Mediated (http://www NULL.amazon NULL.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1582343578/qid=1122616315/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_sbs_1/002-1913934-6581633?v=glance&s=books&n=507846) by Thomas De Zengotita

Blink (http://www NULL.amazon NULL.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0316172324/qid=1122616396/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_sbs_1/002-1913934-6581633?v=glance&s=books&n=507846) and The Tipping Point (http://www NULL.amazon NULL.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0316346624/qid=1122616464/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_2/002-1913934-6581633?v=glance&s=books) by Malcolm Gladwell

Freakonomics (http://www NULL.amazon NULL.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/006073132X/qid=1122616511/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_sbs_1/002-1913934-6581633?v=glance&s=books&n=507846) by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

The Mating Mind (http://www NULL.amazon NULL.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/038549517X/qid=1122616630/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_sbs_1/002-1913934-6581633?v=glance&s=books&n=507846) by Geoffrey Miller

Emotional Intelligence (http://www NULL.amazon NULL.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553375067/qid=1122616685/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_sbs_1/002-1913934-6581633?v=glance&s=books&n=507846) by Daniel Goleman

Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences (http://www NULL.amazon NULL.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0465025102/qid=/sr=/ref=cm_lm_asin/002-1913934-6581633?v=glance) by Howard Gardner

Confessions of an Economic Hit Man (http://www NULL.amazon NULL.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1576753018/qid=1122616764/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_sbs_1/002-1913934-6581633?v=glance&s=books&n=507846) by John Perkins

The Age of Spiritual Machines (http://www NULL.amazon NULL.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0140282025/qid=1122616847/sr=8-3/ref=pd_bbs_sbs_3/002-1913934-6581633?v=glance&s=books&n=507846) by Ray Kurzweil

and that bring me too the Moment of Clarity. This is a line in my Current solo show.

“The reason I like juice from concentrate is because they really thought about it.”

Moment of Clarity #15

Saturday, July 23rd, 2005

When it is hot and you are black, its hard to tell what is sweat and what is lotion.

“Am I perspiring or is that my post shower cocoa butter with aloe vera?”

Rachel Kramer Bussel’s Article

Saturday, July 23rd, 2005

RKB just wrote an article on The Sex Lives of Comedians (http://www NULL.villagevoice NULL.com/people/0529,bussel,65951,24 NULL.html). I have a short blurb in there that is somewhere is between mildly funny and somewhat clever. Check it.

Moment of Clarity #14

Wednesday, July 20th, 2005

I would have liked to be there when Jason Hellman’s, Dan Best Foods, and Jacob Miracle Whip had lunch together and unanimously exclaimed “What this sandwich is missing is SUGARY LARD!!”