Archive for 2005

NY Post Mordem

Friday, November 4th, 2005

I’m a fan of all things comedy, so I read the Post. This is from page 15. The headline reads “Horny Leo strikes out twice” Classic.

…DiCaprio was again humbled on Halloween at LA’s Mondrian hotel, where he showed up to a bash disguised as an old man with a hunchback. But unrecognizable Leo struck out with the gaggle of pretty trick or treaters he was hitting on, a spywitness tells PAGE SIX, because “the girls didn’t know who he was. It was hilarious.”

They didn’t know who he was so they weren’t interested. Notice how much harder it is when you take away the looks and all you have is personality and sense of humor. And who says it was a costume, maybe Halloween is the one time a year Leo gets to come out as his natural self with no makeup. Maybe its the one time of year the spell is lifted and you see what the portrait of him in his attic looks like.

Shallow-ween

Thursday, November 3rd, 2005

Halloween is over thank God! I can’t stand people during that holiday. People kept asking me what I was going as finally I said..

“Well I’m going as a guy who has been wearing the same clothes for a week because he can’t afford to do laundry, doesn’t know how he’s gonna pay his rent and has a $800 cell phone bill. i would have went as my father but it was hard to find a woman who would let me get her pregnant as leave her the moment I found out.”

I ended up at a party in Williamsburg and the best part about that was its hard to tell who was wearing a costume and who is just from Williamsburg. Like they are really that cool. Are you some sort of superhero or do you normally just wear a cape? To exemplify, I complemented this one girl on her costume, turns out she was just Asian…and having a seizure. What she don’t know won’t hurt her.

That usually got pity and maybe a free drink. The pressure is on the women more so than men though. And no I’m not the first comic to observe this, but why the fuck does every costume have to be sexy? I mean it’s expected of all women now. Even if they don’t want to do it, they look like idiots if they aren’t showing flesh. I think some girl take it too far though. They cross the line.

I saw this girl who was very sexy. No, Miss Subways, but still a looker. She was wearing a light blue miniskirt with dark blue fishnets, a blue wig, and a shirt with the picture of an ocean wave on it. I asked what she was. “I’m a Tsexy Tsunami. I’ma drown you in my kisses.” That is offensive. And she was Asian. Double Whammy.

I saw another girl who I thought was a sexy black librarian. “I’m a sexy Rhosha Pharhks*. I refused to leave my seat because my anus was firmly nestled on a buttplug.” WHAT THE…? That is rude, disrespectful and not to mention a horrible way to portray someone who recently passed away and meant a lot to a lot of people. But she heard “What’s you number?” and gave it to me. I’ll play your little game. We’ll talk about this in a more intimate setting, Miss Missy.

*note: remove “h’s” for real name. Inserted those to avoid google searches where someone can find her name in the same sentence as anus and buttplug on my site

…and its over.

Sunday, October 30th, 2005

I’m getting over being sick which is quite grand indeed. Its nice to be able to breathe through my own nose.

My nose was running. I hated it. Nothing I could do could stop the nasty mucous from dripping down my face. No matter how much I wiped or blew it it would keep going like a geyser at a national park: Old Snotfilled.

So its just good to breathe again. Or at least be able to partake in some form of breathing in which I alternate nostrils against my own will.

Moment of Clarity #22 as given to me by Roger Hailes

Friday, October 28th, 2005

Its weird having an afro because people can always tell when you’ve had a nap.

Womb Syndrome

Monday, October 24th, 2005

I have an electric blanket. That makes it very difficult for me to get out of bed. My room is a bit cold and the heaters haven’t been turned on. So I snuggle up in my electirc blanketed warm bed and it feels like I’m back in the womb. Warm and wet. Wet because I don’t get up to use the bathroom.

Its getting cold, but I haven’t said it out loud. Not because I haven’t noticed, but because i’m saving it for the right time. I’m saving my words for the time when it gets so cold no one can deny it anymore. I’m waiting for the time when it really needs to be said because no one in New York ever brings attention to the fact its cold. You’ll never hear a New Yorker utter the words “Its getting cold” or “Boy, is it cold” or “Cold enough for ya?” No one ever acknowledges that the winter’s here are rough. People walk around like there’s nothing wrong. Only I have the courage to bring attention to the elephant in the room.

So that way when I’m standing in the street with someone and we are shivering and our teeth are chattering and we’re turning some shade of purple (the black version of turning blue) and icickles are forming on our face like we’re trapped in a freezer in a cartoon, I’ll finally look up into the sky and say “Fuck! Its Fucking cold!” And I’ll go inside with the warmth of knowing someone said it.

$16.39

Wednesday, October 19th, 2005

That’s right, ladies. That’s how much is in my bank account. I’m a high roller. I know looking at a number like that makes you all hot and bothered. You look at that and it makes you feel thing and say things like you just jumped out of a Tennessee Williams play –

“My my my! It is a sultry day indeed. Of course the humidity comes from my animal lust for you and your light wallet. Small – like a man’s ought to be to make room for his pockets to be filled with other things.”

$802.23

Tuesday, October 18th, 2005

That’s my cellphone bill. Jealous!??!

I know I know. My life is something to be envied. Not everyone can ring up bills that ridiculous. It takes patience, practice but more importantly it takes passion. You have to really want to not have a phone to make a bill so high you can’t afford it.

“But, Baron, my cellphone is my only phone. Its the only way people can reach me directly”

Well, you’re an ass. Its not cool to be reached directly. That’s why there are no other inventions that connect you to other people. If we were meant to talk to one another, we’d have things like IM, text messaging, email, sidekicks, blackberries and of course phones. But really, who uses any of those?”

“I see. How do I get what you have?”

I’m glad you asked. First don’t keep track of your minutes. Call lots of people during the daytime and go way way over your allowance. You are charged $0.40 per minute over your allowance. So the more you talk the more your total. After that, don’t pay it for 3 months. With the overcharge and the late fees, you might make it near what I have. But don’t expect to reach that sum on your first try. I’m a professional idiot. (Here’s a tip. Spend lots of time really listening to all the options or every automated service you can find.)

Like I said I’m a pro. I also just achieved a new goal of mine. I had an audition today. I woke up 3 and a half hours to show up 10 minutes late to the wrong address. Rescheduled?
Yeah.

Bad Impression?
You know it!!

funny/experimental/original

Sunday, October 16th, 2005

If you are reading this and live in NYC you must come to “Tell You Friends” tonight. One of the most amazing comics I’ve ever seen is doing the show – EDDIE PEPITONE. He is quite unique and it’ll be an experience indeed. Come along for the ride. See side bar for details.

unicorn rap

Thursday, September 29th, 2005

Becky Poole asked me to do her unicorn themed sketch show the other day becuz I told her I would write a rap about unicorns. Its the origins of a hunter. Here it is..

Redirect your eyes and I apologize I’m gonna tell you a story
When I get to the details about entrails it might get a little gory
I saw something bout a week ago it was really gross I’ve been feeling forlorn
Cuz I saw a grown male get impaled by a mothahfuckin unicorn
First let me get on the level they were made by the devil and I tell you that evil by the Master
And they’re cute to boot so freak and run when you see one cuz they’re gonna reek Disaster
Don’t try to pet em or feed em cuz you’re palms start bleeding indeed that’s called stigmata
And they smell it, slim, i said its candy to them (okay?) and you’re the piñata
I’m came to comprehend it, I was drinking with a descendant of the ancient druids
Mixin drops of schnapps lager and water with all kinds of mystic fluids
And he said “hey man” right in the middle of our drinking binge
“You know my grandfather 83 was one of the ones that built Stone Henge?”
I said “no” and he said “yeah – that is wizard nobility”
“And there’s a treasure passed down which is now my responsibility”
“I’d like to show you something and it is kind a secret,”
“But before we go to see promise me that you can keep it.”
I said “Man, I hope I ain’t gonna end up dead in a mothahfuckin car trunk”
“taken advantage of and forced to forbidden love cuz I was really fucking drunk”
and he said “no, man, I got a plan, stan, I’m really being serious…
what’s more once you see what we I got in store for you you’re gonna be delirious”
So we set out in the darkest hours, there were scattered showers
And we persisted up a bitch of twisted mountains roads for hours
It was 3 in the morning feeling uneasy and queasy it wasn’t gonna yield
Right before I passed out we stopped in the middle of a field
We got out I thought I would freeze it was 40 degrees not to mention the tress
Surrounding us looking ominous reaching up like they were begging please
And I wanted to scoot saw him take a flute and he blew but there no sound
I looked down to frown looked up was astounded they all around
Unicorns, white horses with the single horn but they had blood red eyes
Leering at us, sneering at us I felt a fear in my inner thighs
And my friend said “uh oh fuck we’re outta luck it didn’t work.”
“We got about 10 seconds I reckon before they go beserk.”
So we ran and they chased us snapping their jaws wanting to taste us.
Was this my fate? They wanted us on a plate ever since they faced us.
I ran as fast as I can what can I say made it back to car.
I yelled for my friend but this was the end he didn’t make it as far.
And I watched in horror as they pierced his gut, pierced his throat and chest.
Blood shooting out like a geyser as they ripped his flesh.
But he reached out let out a shout while they ate him alive
“Don’t go for help, save yourself!” and that’s how I survived.
So I made a vow to everyone its not so fun I won’t stop til I’m done,
Ridding the world of every unicorn boy and girl with my sword and my gun.
Cuz now they’re loose to seduce you into traps with their magical beauty
I’ll destroy them all until I fall and that’s the story of my duty.

My First Time

Saturday, September 17th, 2005

I talked to my ex from high school recently and she reminded me about my first time. I had completely forgotten it since I do it all the time now and have gotten good at it. Or at least I don’t fumble as much as I did then.

I recalled it last night while hanging out with Jesse Joyce (http://www NULL.jessejoyce NULL.com) and he asked me how long i’d been doing it. I told him and as someone who has been doing it less than 5 years I also talked about how long I’d been planning on doing it, how I wrote jokes and did routines for my friends before I actually ever did it at a club on stage in front of people who didn’t know me. Then I recalled a conversation with my old girlfriend (who is still one of my best friends), Daneal, in which she totally jogged my memory.

My senior year of high school I was involved in this project where they let 4 students direct one act plays for an evening of theatre. Somehow I became the stage manager and board operator and at the few shows we had I went onstage, made some announcements and warmed them up with a few jokes. Keep in mind I’ve always been a jukebox of comedian’s bits. I can do at least 5 minutes of almost every comic I know in NYC. And back then Comedy Cental (which was HA!) had shows like “The A List” “Dr Katz” and various specials from which I soaked up jokes and regurgitated them to my friends with my own twist.

I told jokes around the theme of “travel” and did a joke by Marc Maron, Emo Phillips, Anthony Clark and Eddie Izzard in that order. Of course, I paraphrased greatly.

Maron:
I read in the paper the other day about these two guys who would shoot steroids and work out multiple times a week. Like this was their ritual and one day one of them goes temporarily insane, decides he’s strong enough to stop a moving car, goes to the freeway to do so and dies in the process. Now, if out take out how morbid this is, you have a very funny situation. I mean where were his friends when he was like “AAAH! To hell with these machines…i’m gonna go stop a moving car.” They were totally oblvious to that? “Okay. do you need a spot?” So imagine you’re driving down the freeway after work maybe listening to some music and all of a sudden this huge hulking figure comes out of no where and thrusts “AAAAAAAARRRGH!” And you go BOOM – right over him. What do you say to the cops? “Yeah…uh…I just ran over a super hero. Um…i’m not sure which one, he wasn’t wearing his costume. What? Tell him to move the car – he couldn’t STOP the car! Come scrape Spidey up!”

Emo:
I like to travel. I went to Hawaii and it was nothing like i thought. I thought people would be wearing grass skirts and coconut halves on their breasts, but i was the only one.

Clark:
I went to the vatican city. I’m looking at the vatican and i notice this lady all in black staring at me from across the street with a baby. And she’s got 2 grown up kids too – all in black. Out of nowhere she throws the baby at me. Just throws it – lobs it through the air. I’m like OH MY GOD I HAVE TO CATCH THIS BABY! I position myself to catch it and as I am her bigger kids run across the street and pick my pockets. Take my cash, credits cards, traveler checks – everything – and then they are gone and i’m standing there with a baby. So…you know…let that be a travelling tip for you. If a women throws a baby at you, just swat it to the ground swat it and go “I DON’T THINKK SO!”

I’ll leave out the Izzard joke. Its more well known now. About Neil Armstrong’s speech on the moon which I saw him do on Comic Relief before his HBO special that broke him to American audiences. So there you have it. I followed in the footstep of many comics before me that copied someone else before them. Bill Hicks who did Woody Allen bits. Damon Wayans and Eddie Murphy who copied Pryor. Pryor who copied Cosby. I just hope someday a high schooler who doesn’t know he’s a comic yet will tell my jokes to his friends.