Archive for November, 2005

So…

Friday, November 25th, 2005

I haven’t written in a long while because I have a very temperamental internet connection. In fact, I guarantee my connection will go off 5 times while writing this and I’ll have to wait an hour or 2 afterwards to load it onto my page. Most likely, I’ll press “publish” and it’ll go to a “Page Not Found” and i’ll hit the “Back” button and “everything” I wrote will be “gone” and I will say “Fuck.” I’ll try copying it beforehand.

I’ve had a lot to say since last I wrote. Begin now.

Here’s a thought I had yesterday. I think one of our tragic flaws as a country is having a dependence on a finite substance: oil. This is something I think will contribute to our downfall as an empire. Also, it’s something we don’t really have much of here in the US. We get the majority of it elsewhere. We should use something we have plently of as a fuel source. Like righteous directionless indignation. Or cynical suburban white teenagers who talk like their a Tupac/Keanu hybrid. How about we use something we have plently of in the US as a new fuel source: unwanted pregnancies. SURE! Since, Roe v. Wade might be overturned soon, how about taking those fetuses from teen mothers, grinding them up and putting that potent goo in those Hummers. With the rising teen pregnancy rates that’s a fuel source we could rely on for thousands of years. Problem solved. Rambling finished.

NY Post Mordem

Friday, November 4th, 2005

I’m a fan of all things comedy, so I read the Post. This is from page 15. The headline reads “Horny Leo strikes out twice” Classic.

…DiCaprio was again humbled on Halloween at LA’s Mondrian hotel, where he showed up to a bash disguised as an old man with a hunchback. But unrecognizable Leo struck out with the gaggle of pretty trick or treaters he was hitting on, a spywitness tells PAGE SIX, because “the girls didn’t know who he was. It was hilarious.”

They didn’t know who he was so they weren’t interested. Notice how much harder it is when you take away the looks and all you have is personality and sense of humor. And who says it was a costume, maybe Halloween is the one time a year Leo gets to come out as his natural self with no makeup. Maybe its the one time of year the spell is lifted and you see what the portrait of him in his attic looks like.

Shallow-ween

Thursday, November 3rd, 2005

Halloween is over thank God! I can’t stand people during that holiday. People kept asking me what I was going as finally I said..

“Well I’m going as a guy who has been wearing the same clothes for a week because he can’t afford to do laundry, doesn’t know how he’s gonna pay his rent and has a $800 cell phone bill. i would have went as my father but it was hard to find a woman who would let me get her pregnant as leave her the moment I found out.”

I ended up at a party in Williamsburg and the best part about that was its hard to tell who was wearing a costume and who is just from Williamsburg. Like they are really that cool. Are you some sort of superhero or do you normally just wear a cape? To exemplify, I complemented this one girl on her costume, turns out she was just Asian…and having a seizure. What she don’t know won’t hurt her.

That usually got pity and maybe a free drink. The pressure is on the women more so than men though. And no I’m not the first comic to observe this, but why the fuck does every costume have to be sexy? I mean it’s expected of all women now. Even if they don’t want to do it, they look like idiots if they aren’t showing flesh. I think some girl take it too far though. They cross the line.

I saw this girl who was very sexy. No, Miss Subways, but still a looker. She was wearing a light blue miniskirt with dark blue fishnets, a blue wig, and a shirt with the picture of an ocean wave on it. I asked what she was. “I’m a Tsexy Tsunami. I’ma drown you in my kisses.” That is offensive. And she was Asian. Double Whammy.

I saw another girl who I thought was a sexy black librarian. “I’m a sexy Rhosha Pharhks*. I refused to leave my seat because my anus was firmly nestled on a buttplug.” WHAT THE…? That is rude, disrespectful and not to mention a horrible way to portray someone who recently passed away and meant a lot to a lot of people. But she heard “What’s you number?” and gave it to me. I’ll play your little game. We’ll talk about this in a more intimate setting, Miss Missy.

*note: remove “h’s” for real name. Inserted those to avoid google searches where someone can find her name in the same sentence as anus and buttplug on my site