Archive for October, 2005

…and its over.

Sunday, October 30th, 2005

I’m getting over being sick which is quite grand indeed. Its nice to be able to breathe through my own nose.

My nose was running. I hated it. Nothing I could do could stop the nasty mucous from dripping down my face. No matter how much I wiped or blew it it would keep going like a geyser at a national park: Old Snotfilled.

So its just good to breathe again. Or at least be able to partake in some form of breathing in which I alternate nostrils against my own will.

Moment of Clarity #22 as given to me by Roger Hailes

Friday, October 28th, 2005

Its weird having an afro because people can always tell when you’ve had a nap.

Womb Syndrome

Monday, October 24th, 2005

I have an electric blanket. That makes it very difficult for me to get out of bed. My room is a bit cold and the heaters haven’t been turned on. So I snuggle up in my electirc blanketed warm bed and it feels like I’m back in the womb. Warm and wet. Wet because I don’t get up to use the bathroom.

Its getting cold, but I haven’t said it out loud. Not because I haven’t noticed, but because i’m saving it for the right time. I’m saving my words for the time when it gets so cold no one can deny it anymore. I’m waiting for the time when it really needs to be said because no one in New York ever brings attention to the fact its cold. You’ll never hear a New Yorker utter the words “Its getting cold” or “Boy, is it cold” or “Cold enough for ya?” No one ever acknowledges that the winter’s here are rough. People walk around like there’s nothing wrong. Only I have the courage to bring attention to the elephant in the room.

So that way when I’m standing in the street with someone and we are shivering and our teeth are chattering and we’re turning some shade of purple (the black version of turning blue) and icickles are forming on our face like we’re trapped in a freezer in a cartoon, I’ll finally look up into the sky and say “Fuck! Its Fucking cold!” And I’ll go inside with the warmth of knowing someone said it.

$16.39

Wednesday, October 19th, 2005

That’s right, ladies. That’s how much is in my bank account. I’m a high roller. I know looking at a number like that makes you all hot and bothered. You look at that and it makes you feel thing and say things like you just jumped out of a Tennessee Williams play –

“My my my! It is a sultry day indeed. Of course the humidity comes from my animal lust for you and your light wallet. Small – like a man’s ought to be to make room for his pockets to be filled with other things.”

$802.23

Tuesday, October 18th, 2005

That’s my cellphone bill. Jealous!??!

I know I know. My life is something to be envied. Not everyone can ring up bills that ridiculous. It takes patience, practice but more importantly it takes passion. You have to really want to not have a phone to make a bill so high you can’t afford it.

“But, Baron, my cellphone is my only phone. Its the only way people can reach me directly”

Well, you’re an ass. Its not cool to be reached directly. That’s why there are no other inventions that connect you to other people. If we were meant to talk to one another, we’d have things like IM, text messaging, email, sidekicks, blackberries and of course phones. But really, who uses any of those?”

“I see. How do I get what you have?”

I’m glad you asked. First don’t keep track of your minutes. Call lots of people during the daytime and go way way over your allowance. You are charged $0.40 per minute over your allowance. So the more you talk the more your total. After that, don’t pay it for 3 months. With the overcharge and the late fees, you might make it near what I have. But don’t expect to reach that sum on your first try. I’m a professional idiot. (Here’s a tip. Spend lots of time really listening to all the options or every automated service you can find.)

Like I said I’m a pro. I also just achieved a new goal of mine. I had an audition today. I woke up 3 and a half hours to show up 10 minutes late to the wrong address. Rescheduled?
Yeah.

Bad Impression?
You know it!!

funny/experimental/original

Sunday, October 16th, 2005

If you are reading this and live in NYC you must come to “Tell You Friends” tonight. One of the most amazing comics I’ve ever seen is doing the show – EDDIE PEPITONE. He is quite unique and it’ll be an experience indeed. Come along for the ride. See side bar for details.