Becky Poole asked me to do her unicorn themed sketch show the other day becuz I told her I would write a rap about unicorns. Its the origins of a hunter. Here it is..
Redirect your eyes and I apologize I’m gonna tell you a story
When I get to the details about entrails it might get a little gory
I saw something bout a week ago it was really gross I’ve been feeling forlorn
Cuz I saw a grown male get impaled by a mothahfuckin unicorn
First let me get on the level they were made by the devil and I tell you that evil by the Master
And they’re cute to boot so freak and run when you see one cuz they’re gonna reek Disaster
Don’t try to pet em or feed em cuz you’re palms start bleeding indeed that’s called stigmata
And they smell it, slim, i said its candy to them (okay?) and you’re the piñata
I’m came to comprehend it, I was drinking with a descendant of the ancient druids
Mixin drops of schnapps lager and water with all kinds of mystic fluids
And he said “hey man” right in the middle of our drinking binge
“You know my grandfather 83 was one of the ones that built Stone Henge?”
I said “no” and he said “yeah – that is wizard nobility”
“And there’s a treasure passed down which is now my responsibility”
“I’d like to show you something and it is kind a secret,”
“But before we go to see promise me that you can keep it.”
I said “Man, I hope I ain’t gonna end up dead in a mothahfuckin car trunk”
“taken advantage of and forced to forbidden love cuz I was really fucking drunk”
and he said “no, man, I got a plan, stan, I’m really being serious…
what’s more once you see what we I got in store for you you’re gonna be delirious”
So we set out in the darkest hours, there were scattered showers
And we persisted up a bitch of twisted mountains roads for hours
It was 3 in the morning feeling uneasy and queasy it wasn’t gonna yield
Right before I passed out we stopped in the middle of a field
We got out I thought I would freeze it was 40 degrees not to mention the tress
Surrounding us looking ominous reaching up like they were begging please
And I wanted to scoot saw him take a flute and he blew but there no sound
I looked down to frown looked up was astounded they all around
Unicorns, white horses with the single horn but they had blood red eyes
Leering at us, sneering at us I felt a fear in my inner thighs
And my friend said “uh oh fuck we’re outta luck it didn’t work.”
“We got about 10 seconds I reckon before they go beserk.”
So we ran and they chased us snapping their jaws wanting to taste us.
Was this my fate? They wanted us on a plate ever since they faced us.
I ran as fast as I can what can I say made it back to car.
I yelled for my friend but this was the end he didn’t make it as far.
And I watched in horror as they pierced his gut, pierced his throat and chest.
Blood shooting out like a geyser as they ripped his flesh.
But he reached out let out a shout while they ate him alive
“Don’t go for help, save yourself!” and that’s how I survived.
So I made a vow to everyone its not so fun I won’t stop til I’m done,
Ridding the world of every unicorn boy and girl with my sword and my gun.
Cuz now they’re loose to seduce you into traps with their magical beauty
I’ll destroy them all until I fall and that’s the story of my duty.