Archive for July, 2005

my grandmother just said this to me…

Monday, July 11th, 2005

“I remember when I first saw you and I said that’s a big head. That’s a grown man’s head. You grew into that head. That’s how I knew you’d have some brains.”

I love my grandmother.

Moment of Clarity #13 (short sketch)

Sunday, July 10th, 2005

There must have been a time in the lives of Jim Henson and Frank Oz when their friends would ask them to say stupid shit in the voices of Kermit or Yoda.

FRIEND
Ooh Ooh Frank! Say um…say “You spilled ketchup on my sequin shirt and you’ve ruined it” as Yoda!

FRANK (as Yoda)
Ketchup you have spilled on my sequin shirt. Ruined it you have.

FRIEND
SHIT THAT IS FUNNY! Hey hey, Jim, say “Miss Piggy likes to get freaky in the bedroom.”

JIM
No, I don’t want to. This is stupid.

FRIEND
Come on, Jim, don’t be a fag!

JIM
I told you no!

FRIEND
DON’T BE A CANDY ASS PUSSY, JIM!

FRANK
Yeah, Jim. I just did Yoda.

JIM
Fine. (as Kermit) “Miss Piggy is a freak in the bedroom…”

FRIEND
She likes whips and chains…

JIM
“…she likes whips and chains…”

FRIEND
And a finger up her porky ass…

JIM
Oh come on! I’m not saying that!

FRIEND and FRANK
DO IT!

Jim
“…and a…and a finger up her porky ass.”

FRIEND
HAHAHAHAHA! Dammit that is hilarious. You guys have given a new purpose for my life. You know what? Lunch is on me.

The funniest thing in New York…

Friday, July 8th, 2005

As pointed out by my good friend Brendan Hughes (http://www NULL.brendanhughes NULL.com), the funniest thing in New York right now is in Union Square. There’s a big sign right above the Virgin Megastore that’s purpose was to count down the days, hours, minutes, seconds until the Olympic’s City Decision (which conviently replaced a sign that showed the growing national debt). For the past few days it has read “00.00.00.00″ HAHAHA! That is comedy! When you see it, point at it and laugh! Had a good Guffaw at Bloomberg! Do the same when you see one of those sign that says “There will be friends and friends of friends to guide you.” Point and yell “No There won’t!! HAHAHA!! I wouldn’t doubt if there’s a sick part in Mikey’s brain going “Bombings in London? Maybe the commitee will change their minds.”

Note: The last line is no way making fun of the events in London, but rather the mayor’s obsession with getting the Olympics. I just wonder how high on his list of priorities the games are. I ask the question is he holding up his two hands like scales going “Hmm. Tragic loss of human life…me getting my games…loss of life…games”

Ugh. Heimer.

Thursday, July 7th, 2005

I just saw a roach in my kitchen. I haven’t seen a roach in a long time. It was the same experience as the feeling you would have if you had grown up around a crazy kid who annoyed you but always thought he was your best friend and he tracked you down 10 years later and 3000 miles away and demanded to be in your life again. WHY?!?! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME!?!?

Moment of Clarity #12

Thursday, July 7th, 2005

The subway has been around for 100 years; people still fall over when the train starts moving.

A Sample

Tuesday, July 5th, 2005

I’m working on a solo show for the Midtown Theatre Festival (http://www NULL.midtownfestival NULL.org/plays NULL.html) which has a working title “Actor.Comedian.Negro”
I’m not finished with it yet, but here’s a sample because I feel guilty for not posting in a long while. It just an event i ruminated on for a while and i wrote this stream-of-conciousness about it….
__________

Hmm. What? Yeah. My great grandfather was a big man to me. He did bestride this narrow world like a colossus. There was no one that had greater stature then he. Even when I saw with my own eyes people who were taller than him or even wider than him they still didn’t have the presence and the clarity of mind I believe my great grand father had. I use to (as most children do) wrap myself around his legs and to my amazement, he could walk with me there. This was unthinkable to me. This man could carry my entire existence on one leg. One leg, people! One leg. I always wanted him to pick me up because the world was so different to me up there. At his height, a man could survey all his kingdom around.

My sophomore year of college I was in Boston. It was going to be a great summer. I was going to teach at the summer institute giving advice to high school student and relearning from them what it meant to have a spirit and passion for the theatre. I always go back to that so that I can remember why I’m doing this and that passion and deference these kids have for “The Theatre” is unmatched. I was also going to study with one of the great Improv masters, Paul Sills: founder of Second City, Son of Viola Spolin. This was going to be an event filled summer. I was staying in my friend Brandon’s studio apartment that he paid rent for the summer on and I got a Phone call from my mother…

Baron?
Yes?
Papa’s dead.

I froze.
He was gone. This man, this beast, this god to me was gone. I was ok with it. I had felt like I made my peace with him earlier that year. I had become a stereotypical teenager and lost track of those around me who cared about me because I was so focused on the task at hand. I hadn’t called or seen him in ages, but a few weeks maybe a month earlier I had called him and we talked. I told him I was gonna make sure to visit and I appreciated everything he had done for me. I told him I loved him which to me was a lot to say. I think he said “um…ok” and then got off the phone to go back to the care of his live-in nurse that I just found out about. (A live in nurse? He must be sick.) I’m sure he was a little taken aback by what I had said. Not in the overwhelmed way, but more in the “shit motherfucker, I ain’t dead yet” sort of way. I’m sure when he hung up the phone he turned to his nurse a said “Hmm-mm. That boy gay.” I was particularly touchy feely seeing as I was in theatre school learning how to be in the moment and feel my feelings. I also wasn’t sure when I was gonna get a chance to say this to him again. So I said it.

Baron?
Yes?
Papa’s dead.

So this is how we found out he was dead. A family friend called my mother to as why she wasn’t at the funeral.

What Funeral?

They had already buried him and put him in the ground. My grandma (JJ: his daughter), my mom, and myself had no idea he was dead and weren’t at the funeral. My (not so) great Uncle Charles went to New Mexico, organized the funeral, sold all the stuff in the house and left without calling us. He said he tried calling JJ numerous times and never heard back. Needless to say, she was livid.

How the fuck you gon’ bury my daddy without me?
I tried to call, but you weren’t at home.
Bullshit! I’m always home. I’m retired. If the phone rings I would have been there.