Brevity is the soul of wit. So true. Except that’s a line from Hamlet which is a play that is 4 hours long in a monologue from a man who doesn’t shut up until he is killed.
Archive for April, 2005
People who hold hands walking down the street are in essence a moving roadblock. And they’re in love. So they’re an annoying moving roadblock. And don’t get me started on a wide ass couples.
After having a conversation in which I complimented her fine bulbous backside, Allison Castillo (HAPPY BIRTHDAY) asked me a very deep question “What’s with guys and asses?”
To ask a man what is it with men and asses is like saying “what is it with women and pretty eyes?”
A nice ass is a work of art. Asses come in all shapes and sizes. No two are the same and any person has their on ass aesthetic or “Assthetic” (I couldn’t resist). A nice ass is like a fine creme brulette, a Cezanne, the Harry Potter series. You have a very well formed, shapely “damn can I get some of that” booty.
Now primally you have to understand that “doggy style” is actually the natural way humans made love until the Missionaries came along and left their legacy. So, of course, there is an intense connection to sex when dealing with asses. That makes for quite an exciting artshow. I think Spinal Tap said it best when they said “The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’/ That’s what I said/ The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand/ Or so I have read.”
During this time of year the streets become a museum of the female form whether you like it or not (and most women don’t). Connoisseurs of Asses, Breasteses, and Legs line the streets. They study the artwork. Discuss the origin, style and period –
“Obviously born in the Bronx year 1979. Latina variety. Highly influenced by the Early 90s Hair Band period, but in a retro manner influenced by Sex and the City reruns as exemplified by the blonde streaks. B cups accented by a fine pink scarf draped across a horizontally striped shirt. And of course her backside is very nice indeed thanks to a pair of acid washed jeans and clear high heals…Excuse me there, miss! You look lovely”
Of course what comes out is different -
“Damn Mami! You’re hurtin’ me, baby! Let me just get a piece! You know what I’m saying, boo? Good God girl that booty is banging!”
Just know when you hear stuff like that, its the closest some of those guys will ever come to being in a museum.
The first time any teacher said out loud “Give me that! You’ll get it back at the end of the day,” they thought to themselves “What have I become?” And contemplated suicide.
Here are a few more expressions I can’t stand.
“Its a Wild Goose chase”
Is it really? People use that to describe something that can’t be found. A Wild Goose can be found. And its Wild. So you shouldn’t want to find it. It should be used to describe a situation where you look for something and once you find it your eyes get poked out.
“Have a good flight/Fly safely/Be safe”
I really don’t have that much say in what happens when I’m in a gigantic piece of steel and fire 30,000 feet in the air. Especially if I’m not the pilot.
“Can you believe it? Can you imagine?”
Yes, I can. People say this when an event has occured that’s usually not that unlikely. You just asked me if I can believe something that just happened. Yes, I can. I’m looking at it and pointing. And if its an unlikely event, well it just happened. I’m looking at it and pointing. By the way, the imagination is vast and endless. If I can’t imagine it (whatever it is), then something is very very wrong.
“Needle in a Haystack”
See Moment of Clarity.
“Needle in a Stack of Needles”
Surely if you need a needle, any of these will do. I’ve never heard of needing a specific needle because they all serve the same function. If its a sentimental needle, well 1) that’s weird, 2) why did you let someone get ahold of it to throw it in a stack of needles?, and 3) WHO THE FUCK HAS A STACK OF NEEDLES!?
“Kick the bucket”
To describe someone dying. Glad there’s a jovial way to describe it. I wonder who the man was that had a leg spasm at the moment of passing and had a bucket near that leg. Then what asshole was in the room that thought to themselves “I’m gonna tell people he kicked a bucket instead of he died because I’m really considerate of other’s feelings.” Some say it refers to the bed pan. Meaning “the bucket” that catches one’s bowel movements. Well, that’s under their ass and you’d have to be pretty limber to kick that whilst dying. Hey, maybe some unlucky nurse had it near a leg at the time of passing and it was kicked over. Hmm, having to wash up a dead man’s shit would make me look at death so much more differently that I’d have to coin a phrase.
“That’s as hard as finding a needle in a hay stack”
Finding a needle in a hay stack is not so much difficult as much as it is time consuming. With a little devotion and a magnifying glass, you’d be surprised at what you can achieve.
ME:…and that line that goes “If you threw a party/ invited everyone you knew/ you would see the biggest gift would be for me/ and the card attached would say/ Thank you for being a friend…” What an asshole thing to say. That if you were at someone else’s party where there were gifts, the biggest one would be for you? Nice way to ruin a birthday.
CHINASA: No no no…its the biggest gift would be from me. And I don’t even really think about it literally but more that, you know, I’ll be there for you. You know?
ME: You’ve destoyed my morning.
i’m moving to Iceland
The more homeless people I see, the more of them have dogs and girlfriends. I must have missed that commercial.
People who tell stories that end with “I guess you had to be there,” shouldn’t tell stories.
*Note: Someone told me that someone else has already told that joke, but I’ve never heard it. So I’m gonna keep telling it until I am confronted by the aforementioned “other comic” or someone else tells me they’ve heard it before. Besides comics write the same jokes all the time. And if its “all been done” there’s not much I can do about the fact that sometimes people have similar ideas. THAT’S HOW RELIGION STARTED! So next time you tell me someone else may have a done something similar, remember that you’re taking on religion, k? And Baron no likey blaspheming heretics.